Exploring my desires

This break while Eve is sick has given me some time to really think about what I want from this adventure we’re embarking on. I’ve discovered there’s a name for people who have my desires, aside from the whole bisexual and polyamorous thing. I’m a cuckquean.

I discovered this word while setting up my FetLife profile. I knew what a cuckold was and then – bang – there was cuckquean right below it. I clicked it. It felt right. I then did the only logical thing anyone would do with a new sex-related word. I googled it.

untitled
Result! Yes, this is me. Now a lot of what I found online was linked to humiliation and degradation, which I’m not sure I’m into. Not sure that I’m not into either though, to be honest. I’m incredibly turned on by the idea of my partner being with someone else. When I play with myself, this is pretty much all that I think about.

I would prefer to be there to watch but would also be turned on by him telling me about it… in… very… graphic… detail. If I was there, I would want to watch and eventually participate, at his instruction. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I would be ok with humiliation and degradation. I’m just not sure how far down the rabbit hole I’d be willing to go in that respect.

Thinking about it all now is such a turn on. And it’s exciting to know that it’s a ‘thing’. That I’m not some lone weirdo (although I suppose I always knew that, just a little bit). Somehow it having a name seemed to make it more acceptable, like I was part of a community or something.

I suppose being polyamorous and being a cuckquean are not mutually dependent. Just because you want to be in a relationship with multiple people doesn’t mean that you’re turned on by the idea of your partner with someone else. It may just be that you don’t believe in monogamy, that you believe you can love more than one person at the same time. But surely cuckquean-ery (not the right word, I’m guessing) helps?

I feel like our decision to see other women has injected a lot of fire back into our relationship and, for me, most of that comes from the thought of being able to see my partner with someone else. It may not be right for everyone but I think this will be right for us. Or we can at least try it and see how it feels. I think it will feel good.

Image from Whisper.

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