Sometimes I wonder about myself… you know, sexually. A lot of what turns me on is bound up in other people, in them getting off, in them abusing me, enjoying me or someone else, at my expense (supposedly). I often catch myself wondering if there’s someone thing with this way of being.
I caught this train of thought while watching a random TV show where the husband finds out his wife is seeing a male escort. It reminded me that I was considering doing the same thing myself about ten years ago, before I was with my current partner. I was seeing a number of people but, for some reason, I got it into my head that I wanted to pay someone, just to see what it was like.
So, I did what I do best; I made it happen (well, I started to, anyways). I did my research, found an agency, checked out their ‘offerings’. I wanted someone hot. I wasn’t phased about cost. I had it all planned out in my head: the drinks at a hotel bar, the hotel room, afterwards. But then I got worried.
I remembered that (at the time) I rarely came. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to cum and that would mean that I’d effectively be paying someone to fail at making me cum (which, at the time, seemed like quite an embarrassing predicament). I worried that knowing he was getting paid for it would mean that, in my head, I’d be thinking, ‘he’s not enjoying it, he’s not enjoying it’ so then I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Because how can you truly believe someone that’s paid to have sex with you is really enjoying it, right? Guy or girl, they’re doing a job and their job often requires an element of pretending.
In the end, I nixed the idea. I decided it probably wasn’t a good idea for someone who’s own pleasure is so bound up in the other person’s enjoyment to be paying that other person for sex. I had very real doubts about whether I could just relax and allow myself to be pleasured. To just be totally selfish and not give a shit about the other person. To let it all be about ME.
It’s probably why I am also not a huge fan of receiving oral sex. Don’t get me wrong, it feels amazing but I rarely want that to be the whole experience. It feels selfish allowing myself to be tended to like that, with no reciprocation for the other person. Yes, I know there’s 69 and, yes I know, I can just return the favour afterwards but, when it comes to the crunch, I’d just rather fuck.
And furthermore (gotta love that word, it makes it sound like whatever follows is going to be some real shit), the sub blogs I’ve been reading lately have given me even more thoughts. Because, when you get down to it, that feeling of getting pleasure from pleasing others is a submissive thing. If I can’t get off unless I know you’re getting off, my pleasure is bound up in yours. You need to feel good before I can feel good. You are the master of my pleasure.