The trouble with orgasms

The other morning we had sex before I went to work and I was definitely horny and into it but, try as I might, I just couldn’t come. Of course, it was still fun. Fucking is fun even if you don’t come (or it is for girls, who overall tend to come less often than guys – or so the literature/internet – tells me, this so-called “orgasm gap”). Yet I always feel like I’ve failed a little when I can’t come. I’m disappointed. J’s disappointed. The whole thing feels incomplete somehow.
Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum. When I was 16, maybe the second or third time I had sex, the guy asked me, mid-fuck, if I was turned on. I was but I said no because I was afraid that admitting to it would make him think I was a slut. Never mind that he was already fucking me, it’s definitely the ‘being turned on’ bit that makes you a slut. Absolute craziness!
For a long time, I wasn’t sure if sex was meant to feel good. I thought that if I liked it, I was bad. I grew out of that notion pretty quickly but, still, I think I was at least 20 before I came (with someone else). I think the first time was from oral with a bartender I’d picked up that night and I was like OH MY GOD. It took even longer for it to happen with straight/vaginal sex (obviously still trying with anal).
It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I can come nearly every time we have sex. I’d say it’s a combo of my current partner and the relationship we have but also me knowing my body and being in tune with what works for me and not being afraid to ask for a different position or something new (or a girlfriend ;)). When I was younger, I thought orgasms were just meant ‘happen’ and be as easy as guys make it look. Thrust – thrust – thrust – orgasm – done (slight over-simplification, of course)! But it’s not that easy, at least not for me. For me, it’s mental. It requires focus and fantasising.
For a long time, I thought too much masturbation had ruined me for sex. That I’d gotten myself used to too much sensation and now ‘simple’ vaginal wasn’t enough. I know people that have never come from sex, which is a sad prospect indeed. But the more I read, the more I’m sure that it can just take some women longer to figure out what works for them. It seems a lot of women fantasise while having sex (mine usually involve J fucking another woman or us having a threesome). Most have to stimulate their clit during sex.
Maybe I am normal after all, whatever that means, and it’s outrageous that I’m coming to this conclusion at 32 years of age. Maybe I might have realised this much sooner if we had practical sex ed classes that explained how the female body works and taught girls to explore themselves instead of making us all feel ashamed for something that is so natural.
That’s enough of that. We’re taking our friend out to dinner tonight (primarily to float our poly situation with her and see how she reacts) plus we have another date on Monday. Sometimes I wonder how we’re going to keep up.
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13 thoughts on “The trouble with orgasms

  1. It’s so different for women. I’m very happy being male but it would be cool to be a female for a day, and night, to experience what an orgasm is like. It couldn’t be any longer than that though because I’d never get anything done. I’d spend all day playing with my tits

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahah yeah I’d love to switch sex for a day so I could feel what it would be like to have a dick and I would definitely spend most of the day playing with it. Although that’s not all that different from me being a woman now as I already I spend a lot of time playing with myself. If I didn’t study and have a job, I’d probably never get out of bed.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I definitely enjoy the orgasms I’m able to give myself but I wouldn’t say they’re more enjoyable than those given by someone else. Sometimes they’re more intense but having someone else ‘inflict’ them on me generally makes them more exciting for me, depending on what situation they happen in.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. *waves*
    Just found your blog and this post.
    I agree, young women (well, people) need to be taught practical sexuality education, not just “P in V – baby, bad bad bad!”
    Yes, fantasies, and clit stimulation (pretty much guaranteed when my wife goes down on me, really 😉 ). I don’t know about the female orgasm taking more work, a lot of it is due to communication and being in tune with what your partner likes and being aware of the cues.
    There has been times where my wife has made me cum in 30 seconds flat, or just by telling me a naughty story, but I think she has magical powers…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Nice to “meet” you. Yes, you’re right. Maybe it just *feels* like it’s harder work because women don’t necessarily feel as comfortable talking about what works and what doesn’t. It sounds like your wife does have magical powers. She’s a sex sorceress! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Communication is definitely important, as is taking the time to learn what the other person likes and allowing them to work out what *you* like. Growing up, we’re not really taught about how to obtain sexual pleasure, it is all quite the opposite badly; only the negatives of sex are spoken about (STD’s, unplanned pregnancy, etc). It’s odd when you think about it, we’re taught life skills to help us succeed in the world as adults… but when it comes to sex[ual pleasure], it is all very hush hush.

    Not saying schools should provide classes in clitoral stimulation, or how to perfect anal 😉 (would be more enjoyable than maths though…) but it does need to be acknowledged that sex can be a beautiful (fucking awesome!) thing, especially with the right person/s.

    I’m horribly aware now that so much of what we learn about sex (simply through being part of society) is focused on sex being about the man. He’s the one with the penis, he is the one that physically performs the act of penetration, he’s the one that has to reach orgasm for conception to occur, blah blah blah… we are made to believe from a very young age that the woman is secondary to the sex equation… a mere afterthought. Women aren’t conscious, independent, sexual beings in their own right, they’re the other half of what makes sex possible. Women = vagina. Vagina = sex. Sex = A male right.

    You COULD say this is something I feel passionate about, and think about a lot…. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha it’s sooooooo true though and it makes me so upset. Yes kids need to know about the bad stuff that can happen but so many people end up with fucked up notions about sex or no fucking clue at all because we ONLY focus on the negative. And yes, the male focus is a huge worry. I could always cum from masturbating but it too AGES for me to finally find a guy who could get me there and I always just assumed something was wrong with me when in fact it was a combination of guys that didn’t care or know what they were doing and me not being comfortable enough with myself to speak up. I thought it was just meant to “happen” magically.

      Liked by 1 person

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