The trouble with orgasms

The other morning we had sex before I went to work and I was definitely horny and into it but, try as I might, I just couldn’t come. Of course, it was still fun. Fucking is fun even if you don’t come (or it is for girls, who overall tend to come less often than guys – or so the literature/internet – tells me, this so-called “orgasm gap”). Yet I always feel like I’ve failed a little when I can’t come. I’m disappointed. J’s disappointed. The whole thing feels incomplete somehow.

Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum. When I was 16, maybe the second or third time I had sex, the guy asked me, mid-fuck, if I was turned on. I was but I said no because I was afraid that admitting to it would make him think I was a slut. Never mind that he was already fucking me, it’s definitely the ‘being turned on’ bit that makes you a slut. Absolute craziness!

For a long time, I wasn’t sure if sex was meant to feel good. I thought that if I liked it, I was bad. I grew out of that notion pretty quickly but, still, I think I was at least 20 before I came (with someone else). I think the first time was from oral with a bartender I’d picked up that night and I was like OH MY GOD. It took even longer for it to happen with straight/vaginal sex (obviously still trying with anal).

It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I can come nearly every time we have sex. I’d say it’s a combo of my current partner and the relationship we have but also me knowing my body and being in tune with what works for me and not being afraid to ask for a different position or something new (or a girlfriend ;)). When I was younger, I thought orgasms were just meant ‘happen’ and be as easy as guys make it look. Thrust – thrust – thrust – orgasm – done (slight over-simplification, of course)! But it’s not that easy, at least not for me. For me, it’s mental. It requires focus and fantasising.

For a long time, I thought too much masturbation had ruined me for sex. That I’d gotten myself used to too much sensation and now ‘simple’ vaginal wasn’t enough. I know people that have never come from sex, which is a sad prospect indeed. But the more I read, the more I’m sure that it can just take some women longer to figure out what works for them. It seems a lot of women fantasise while having sex (mine usually involve J fucking another woman or us having a threesome). Most have to stimulate their clit during sex.

Maybe I am normal after all, whatever that means, and it’s outrageous that I’m coming to this conclusion at 32 years of age. Maybe I might have realised this much sooner if we had practical sex ed classes that explained how the female body works and taught girls to explore themselves instead of making us all feel ashamed for something that is so natural.

That’s enough of that. We’re taking our friend out to dinner tonight (primarily to float our poly situation with her and see how she reacts) plus we have another date on Monday. Sometimes I wonder how we’re going to keep up.