Keeping it quiet vs shouting it from the rooftops

As more and more people in our circle of friends become aware of ‘what we’re up to’, I’m continually astounded by their sheer lack of surprise. Not one single person has raised an eyebrow. Are our friends super accepting and open minded or did they already think we were up to this? I suspect a little from column A and a little from column B.

Still, there’s always that momentary hesitance a second before you tell someone, a flick of the eyes to J – should we or shouldn’t we? We don’t force it into conversation but, if it naturally comes up (usually when someone asks when we’re getting married), we try to be honest. Lots of friends know now and so does J’s older sister and my only sister. My sister said the same thing as one of J’s brothers: “If anyone was going to make this work, it would be you two”. Not sure what this says about us, but I’m taking it as a compliment.

J’s sister is seeing a married man so it was a more interesting exchange. Hers is definitely not a poly type situation; the wife either doesn’t know about it or is putting up with it – not happily – while the husband sneaks around, even though it’s been going on for maybe seven or eight years now. She has a child with him. He’s bought her a house. He spends one night a week with them (just to see her, not their son). The husband also had another child with his wife about three years into their time together.

It’s all kinds of fucked up but I think she saw an opportunity to draw comparisons between her situation and ours. She’s copped a lot of flack for her decision to stay with him and perhaps thought she’d find some solidarity. The whole family is quite disapproving and, while a lot of her friends feel the same way, he’s rich and pays for things so a few of them are able to swallow their discontent (either for the benefits or because they think it makes her happy, maybe it does). J didn’t have the heart to point out to her how different things are for us.

I won’t be dragged off on a tangent though, this wasn’t the point I was making today. What I really wanted to focus on was the resistance I still feel to being open about it despite how easy it’s been to ‘come out’. It’s not that I’m ashamed to talk about it yet some tiny part of me must be because it’s always a struggle to say the words (unless I’m tipsy/drunk/high and then they just floooooowwww right on out).

And then you have the other part of me that just wants to shock people by talking about it. Yes, I like to be a rebel who doesn’t conform to other’s rules. I want to shout it from the rooftops, even if I pause awkwardly for a second or two first.

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4 thoughts on “Keeping it quiet vs shouting it from the rooftops

  1. We are not “out” to family and friends, except our D/s friends, and it is stressful, planning things, and as a third, I have to swallow my need to be acknowledged at times. Part of me really just wants to keep what we have private and to ourselves, and part of me wants everyone to know and be happy for us. It’s still very socially unacceptable though, and we have minor children living with us, so for now, we are quite quiet and private. Well, maybe not so quiet when the children aren’t around, LOL

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    1. Yeah, it can be tough but we’ve had such a positive response so far. We want to get to the point where our significant other comes to social/family stuff with us (and we would go with them, of course, if they wanted us to). We’re kind of of the mind that other people need to get right with it if they’re going to be in our lives, not us having to hide or change ourselves for them. The true test will be parents though, I suppose. Only time will tell.

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  2. We had a conversation about whether or not we should tell everyone what we were doing with our lives as a matter of course, to remain silent and act as if we had no idea what was going on or, if asked, let it all out. A lot of our friends knew what the deal was before they even asked us for confirmation; others were shocked right out of their socks – I personally enjoyed their horrified reactions, by the way – and others would just say something like, “Really?” and nothing more than that.

    We decided that whether we revealed ourselves or not would be situational and left up to our individual decision making processes and not to just volunteer the information. Yes, at first, we were collectively worried about how those around us would react to such a “radical” relationship… but after a short while, we decided that if no one liked or approved of how we merged our lives together, they could go sit on their thumb and rock.

    All of our parents figured it out pretty quickly… and while they were surprised, once I explained the whole nine yards to all of them (and how this got to be my job escaped me), all they said was, “I hope y’all know what you’re doing!”

    Once the parents were “on board,” we were good going forward. You don’t have to, say, rent a huge billboard and put your relationship on blast for everyone to see; some will eventually figure it out and ask you to confirm their suspicions while there will be folks that just don’t need to know that you’re not as monogamous as you appear to be; some folks will be suspicious… but will remain silent and I guess because their sensibilities have been kicked around too much for their liking.

    The bottom line is that if you’re “into this,” it’s your life, your relationships, and while people can rant and rave against your behavior, all they can do is get pissed about it – and you can’t let their disapproval steer you away from what you see is the best thing for your relationship.

    Once, my three ladies were dropping me off at the airport for a work-related trip; I kissed them all very deeply (while feeling them up, of course), told them I loved them and that I’d call as soon as I got to my hotel. As they got into the car and drove off – and I turned to enter the terminal – I noticed the stunned looks of the few people hanging around outside and I knew what their looks was asking so I smiled like I stole something and said, “Yeah, I’m fucking all three of them!” and left them standing there with their jaws on the ground.

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    1. Hahahaha that is awesome and, yes, that’s the look J gets from his male friends when they see us on dates. We’ve been very lucky so far; everyone’s been so supportive. However, no one’s seemed very surprised at all. I’d love for just ONE PERSON to be surprised! Just one! No luck so far. 😈

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