Slaying the dragons of doubt

When we tell people what we’re up to, I’m sure many of them think, “Oh, they’ve been together nearly ten years. They’re just bored with each other and looking for a way to spice up their almost-marriage”. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and discussing it with J and I honestly don’t think so.

I could easily spend the next ten years (or more) with “just” J. We have fun. We make each other laugh. We enjoy each other’s company. We have a pretty great relationship as it is. And, yes, I am aware of the saying, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ but I want to explore. I want to share what we have with someone else. I feel we’re strong enough to do that and to weather any issues that come from it. Even it if fails, I believe we’d still be OK.

Yes, the sex is fun, even if threesomes can be exhausting. I enjoy seeing J with other women. I like the companionship of having a third person to participate in our conversations and our banter and to share in the life we’ve made and will make with this new person. But so far it’s hasn’t been all that involved. We’ve slept with Carmen twice. We’ve been to dinner with her twice. She’s come to our house and made dinner and breakfast for us. We’ve gone to see a show with her and one of our friends. We’ve spent time with her and we like her but there aren’t really any feelings as yet.

Because that’s when things can get complicated, when it’s not just sex or fun or hanging out. When we start to really like each other. When words like ‘love’ get bandied around. That’s when it’s different. I’m a little afraid of it, although I still want to experience it. Part of me is scared of the change, wants to resist it, thinks I’m crazy for putting 9+ years in jeopardy. How am I going to feel when I’m sharing J’s love and his time with someone else? Because, while we will do most things together as a triple, I’m sure we won’t always do everything together.

This week I’ve been feeling… let’s say weird. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling jealous but I have noticed a slight territorialness over “our” time. I don’t want to schedule too much stuff with Carmen or anyone new because we should have time together (and I need to get my study done). And, at the moment, that’s fine. It can still be “our” time. But can we have an “our” (J and me) time when we become a three? I don’t know the answer to that. I suppose it’s up to how the relationship evolves and what everyone’s comfortable with. There will be times when it is just J and me simply because we live together and the other girl won’t be able to do that – at least, not straight away (we’d need a new place).

These feelings have made me question myself. Do I really want to do this or is this just a natural reaction to the scariness of change and the challenging of comfort zones? I spoke to J about this in the bath last night. We agreed we would talk about our doubts and make sure we don’t neglect each other in our pursuit of other people. And it’s not that I felt neglected, more that I felt that with all the stuff we have going (work, study, dates, social events), I didn’t want us to not have time for “us” and he agreed.

I think it’s talks like this that will get us there. And, yes, I’m scared sometimes but I believe we can make it work too much to just give up on it at the first little niggle of doubt before we ever really get anywhere.

Image credit: Pixelcharlie | Deviantart


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s