We spent Saturday at the beach, soaking up the glorious sunshine. A few friends joined us and we had an esky full of champagne, ciders and pre-made negronis (I stuck to the champagne). After the beach, we went to one of our usual bar haunts, the same place we go to on most of our dates. We were supposed to go to a concert as well but a whole heap of our friends turned up and we couldn’t get tickets for all of them so we ditched it and stayed at the bar.
Carmen and Emma were meant to join us at the beach but Emma wasn’t feeling well and Carmen had removalists in and out of her house all day. She did join us at the bar though. She was meant to spend a few hours with us then go to a friend’s birthday party but she ended up just staying with us. It was a fun night and she got to meet a few more of our friends, which was nice. She got on well with everyone and they liked her. When the bar closed, she came back to our house with a bunch of our other friends and she stayed the night and left around 1pm the next day.
It was a night of interesting happenings. At one point, the poly bar guy (Emma’s bf) came over and kissed Carmen. He’d met her when we took her down to the bar on our second date and had told Emma that he thought Carmen was flirting with him. Carmen also told J that she was grateful for being allowed to hang out with us and our friends. She actually said the words thank you. I’m glad she enjoys our company but she definitely doesn’t need to thank us. We enjoy our time with her as well and don’t see it as us doing her a favour in any way, shape or form.
I mostly just danced around and chatted with everyone. Throughout the night, I’d turn around and Carmen would be sitting on J’s lap or kissing him (don’t worry, she danced with me and kissed me too). I wouldn’t say I felt jealous but it provoked a weird feeling for me. Part of me kept thinking, ‘I should feel embarrassed by this.’ But I wasn’t really.
I didn’t feel left out or excluded. I wanted to dance, rather than sit around, and I was free to join them or kiss J or kiss her and generally do as I pleased. It was the first time we’d really been out in public amongst friends and been affectionate with each other and I suppose it was a little confronting. The situation we’d been working towards for about four months now was actually happening and the strangest thing was that I was fixated on what other people might think.
Despite all the positivity and acceptance we’ve experienced, I still thought people would think I was being slighted or humiliated, that this was not something I wanted. You can be as open minded as you want but that won’t stop your lifelong conditioning from kicking in and trying to ruin things for you. Immediately, you start overthinking things. Is this what I really want? How do I really feel about this? And the fact that you’re drunk and high doesn’t really help things.
I’ve already spoken to J about it but it’s clearly something I have to work through in my head. I’m going to give myself a few days to ponder things, see if the weirdness dissipates. Carmen’s out with us again on Saturday and then she goes on holiday in a few weeks. We’re trying to find a new time to meet with Emma but we’ve got a shit tonne going on over the next two weeks and I have so much uni work to do… it’s interesting times, that’s for sure.