Ugh I didn’t think I was this person

J was sick last week and, while we thought he was getting better, last weekend’s shenanigans clearly took their toll and he now has tonsillitis. He’s on some serious antibiotics and Panadol and hasn’t really moved from the couch since Wednesday night. Carmen has been really nice, offering to come over and check on him, calling him to see if he’s OK.

J took today off work and, when he told Carmen, she said she “should have come and kept [him] company”. This is all via group message so I doubt she meant anything by it. She just feels comfortable with us and wanted to be there when one of us was down. She’d said on Saturday that she wants to spend more time with us and, when we woke up on Sunday, she asked me if she could come over during the week.

At the time, I said I didn’t think so because we already had plans two nights and I needed time to study. But then I felt bad and messaged her to say she could visit on our free nights but that I’d most likely be studying so J’d have to entertain her. Then J came down with tonsillitis and we closed ranks – didn’t see anyone from Wednesday onwards even though she offered to come over and bring ice cream, etc.

While appreciated, her offer to hang out with J, while he was sick at home and I was at work, was something I don’t think I’m quite ready for just yet. I definitely want to get there. My aim is for us all to hang out together as a three but also in pairs, eventually, once the three is more solid. But, for now, I need to find my feet as part of the three first. We’re not calling her our girlfriend yet and we’re still dating (or planning to date) other people, at least for the time being. So it’s not totally serious although, if it continues down this path, I’m sure it will be soon enough.

I spoke to J about how her message made me feel and he said he wouldn’t have agreed to it, that we do things together until we’re both ready to do otherwise. This made me feel better, that we’re on the same page and it wasn’t just me being paranoid or insecure. We’re both not ready for that yet.

On a whole, my level of uncertainty has surprised me. I’d consider myself a confident person in many respects but definitely someone who feels secure in their relationship. Now that this thing is solidifying, I’m plagued with doubts and insecurities. I think about the many times people have asked me why I’d want to complicate something that works so well. At the time, I’ve shrugged it off. We’ll be fine, I think. Sure, maybe we will. But will I?

I trust J. I trust me. I trust in us but then I think… what if? I’m pretty sure these doubts are normal. Just the panic you feel when things are changing rapidly and your comfort zone is being stripped away, piece by piece. I’ll continue along, see where this road takes me. I feel like it’s changing me and I can only hope that it’s for the better.

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8 thoughts on “Ugh I didn’t think I was this person

      1. Even the most poly of us feel jealous sometimes 🙂 The key is to examine where those emotions come from – jealousy is always a symptom of something. It could be insecurities, it could just be you’re not ready for that yet. I think you are doing great 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. It is more intimate, right? J said it’s about affection now, which is more intimate than just sex. We just need to take it slow and keep communicating with each other (which we are) and be honest about where are boundaries are at this point. It’s still early days, you’re right.

      Liked by 1 person

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