My lack of posts by no means indicates a lack of thought or contemplation about what’s going on in my life right now. Things are very different from what they were even two weeks ago. The below points come as result of all of the talking J and me have done in the last few days/weeks.
Despite being the definite fore-runner and having met our friends on numerous occasions, I don’t think Carmen will end up being our girlfriend. Maybe I’m being unrealistic but I just remember when J and me got together and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and wanted to be together 24/7. It just doesn’t feel this way with Carmen and I feel like now is the time that it should. If you’re not smitten with someone at the beginning, when will you be?
Maybe the formation of a triad is different from the formation of a couple and I shouldn’t place the same expectations on it but the fact remains that I don’t feel very much for Carmen. I don’t expect to be in love with her but I don’t yearn to see her. I don’t feel compelled to find ways to invite her into our midst. In fact, while I do enjoy it when it happens, the thought of the three of us having sex makes me feel very tired, which cannot possibly be a good sign. And that’s no reflection on her, more just that I’m not that into her (I feel bad just saying it but it’s true and I want to be honest).
J and me spoke about it and he says he feels the same way. It’s fun but there’s no fire. I’d be happy to stay friends with her (she’s heaps of fun to party with) but I don’t want to hurt her feelings or lead her on by continuing to have sex with her when I know she wants more. She goes overseas for a month tomorrow (to meet her boyfriend in Berlin) so I think that will give everyone some time to think about what they want, if anything.
Now this one is tricky. We haven’t slept with her or anything but J has decided that he’s not really attracted to her. I’m still attracted to her and she likes us and keeps asking when we’re going to catch up but we agreed we would see people together. For a moment there, I toyed with the idea of just seeing her on my own (if J would give his permission) but I’ve since binned that notion. So much of the excitement for me is seeing J with another woman and I don’t think I’m that keen on this particular arrangement to forgo that.
Aside from not being attracted to her, J’s other issue is that he thinks the whole arrangement (her being in an open relationship with a guy that we’re friends with) will end in complications. He sees the guy as a little bit sleazy (which I kind of agree with) and he thinks that if we start seeing his girl, he’ll feel like he has some ‘right’ to me. He already likes to smack me on the ass very, very hard at every opportunity he gets, which was funny at first but now it really hurts (we’ve told him to stop and he hasn’t done it since so that’s a win).
Regardless, I suppose it comes down to J not being attracted and me not being willing to take it any further. I feel really bad but I think we can still be friends and hang out as she’s a really cool chick and we have a lot of fun with her, even with the random make-out sessions taken out of the equation.
Doing stuff on our own
After our adventures two weekends ago where I kissed another guy and J made out with Maria, I had the whole partner swap/open relationship thing in my head for a bit. Would it work? Wouldn’t it? Did I really want to find out or was I just fantasising?
I don’t have a problem with J being with another woman without me there. In fact, it was a huge turn on having him tell me what he did to her while fucking me. But, with someone we didn’t know, it might be a harder situation to control without me being an actual figure that the girl would know and be familiar with. It might be easier for things to get complicated. Same deal with guys and J plus the fact that J isn’t overly excited by the thought of me being with another man.
I’m also not convinced about swinging as we want to see people we know and trust, like the couple I kissed the other week. Unfortunately, we work with the girl (J is her boss) and we value their friendship more than we want to fuck them. Not that we even know if this is on the table, more that we’re just using them as an example of what kind of closeness we’re after with a potential partner swapping couple. It’s a terrible catch-22.
So… based on all this information, we’re back to 3nder, Tinder, dating and taking it slow. We have a date next Sunday with a new girl and we still have Eve, which makes me incredibly happy.
So while I am disappointed that we haven’t been able to turn Carmen or Emma or Maria or anyone into “the one”, I do recognise that what we’re looking for is not easily found and will take a lot of time and honesty, self discovery and communication, communication, communication. The journey continues.