I didn’t start this blog with any particular goal in mind. I mainly wanted to get my head around my thoughts and feelings in what I expected would be a tumultuous and possibly confusing (and exhilarating) time. But the most surprising thing has been how writing this blog has actually helped my relationship.
My style of writing is that I often get my ideas for posts at times when I’m not able to write the whole post so I create a quick summary in Drafts so I don’t forget. Some of these things have come up as a result of talking to J while others are things I’ve thought about on my own. My goal is to not have anything I write on this blog come as a surprise to him. I’m not a naturally communicative person so knowing that all of my posts get emailed to him forces me to talk to him about my thoughts before I press publish.
And so it happened that I found myself with a draft post about wanting to explore domination/submission and humiliation/degradation while knowing I hadn’t actually raised it with him in a while. He’d have seen my previous post on my thoughts and desires and read my d/s themed erotic story but nothing has really come of it aside from some choking (which we did before) and an increase in anal, which, while fun, isn’t really my end goal. So I put on my big girl pants and spoke to him about it this morning.
It’s always a fun conversation when you tell your partner you essentially want them to mistreat you. I know that’s not what it is but, for a guy who prides himself on his respect for women, I know that’s what he probably heard at first. As a child, he spent time in an environment where there was a lot of domestic abuse and violence against women and I know that’s something he would never allow in his own life. So for me to tell him I want him to degrade me, take away my power and, yes, get a bit rough with me, kind of goes against everything he sees as healthy or acceptable behaviour between a man and a woman.
So I understand his reluctance because, for him, there’s more to it. But, at least this morning I was able to explain my position. I agree that it’s not right to degrade a woman who doesn’t want it or in general to be violent or abusive towards women. I would not allow that to happen to me in a normal situation. But, from time to time in a sexual situation, I want it. I want the freedom of someone telling me what to do, commanding me, demanding things of me and me with no option to say no.
I am generally an independent, feisty woman so it’s not like I want him to suddenly control my every move. But every now and again, that’s exactly what I want: to have him control me, own me, call me names, use me and basically treat me like the dirty, fucking slut that I know is just begging to be let out to play. And I won’t want this all the time but sometimes part of me just craves it.
For me, it’s more about domination and degradation than being tied up or beaten. I think I’d like some grabbing and light smacking/slapping but I honestly think his words would be more powerful. We’ve had sex a few times now where he fucks me or I play with myself while he tells me what he did/would do to another woman and that has been incredibly hot so I think that dynamic of him verbally abusing me with a bit of roughness would work well (at least to begin with).
So there you have it. While I don’t think he’s totally convinced that he has it in him, he’s at least willing to indulge me. I’m to forward him things I’ve read that illustrate what I’m after (read: get me super worked up) and that’ll at least give him an idea of what I’m interested in. Let’s see how it goes. I’m off to read more sex-filled blogs – all in the aid of research, of course!