Strange double standards when it comes to bisexuality

I find it interesting the way society seems to treat bisexuality differently depending on whether the bisexual in question is male or female. As a woman, my bisexuality has been easily accepted. When I’ve kissed or made out with another woman in public, I’ve never experienced any negativity from friends or those who may have thought I was straight. And that’s even when they know my partner (although I suppose that edges into a different discussion about cheating, polyamory, etc.).

The fluidity of female sexuality seems an easy sell. Guys often list it as their top fantasy and I don’t know many people that would consider it cheating if their girl kissed another girl (unless maybe they didn’t get to watch and I’d chalk that up as mostly FOMO). And honestly, I can see why. Women are such beautiful creatures, why wouldn’t they be attracted to their own sex? Why wouldn’t they want the best of both worlds? Plus, girl on girl action is generally thought to be soft and gentle with little penetration (at least not in the sense of there being a dick). It’s all soft kisses, flowers and pillow fights (uh huh suuuure).

But when the time comes to consider male bisexuality, for some strange reason, some people baulk.

“He can’t possibly be bi, he’s just gay and not willing to admit it.”

What is it about male bisexuality that some people find irreconcilable?

These thoughts occurred to me after I spent a few hours dancing away at a Caribbean carnival party a few weeks ago. I was grinding away on the dancefloor with some female friends (in very little clothing, I might add – see below). Emma and Carmen were there and we would occasionally kiss before going back to dancing.
Photo 20-09-2015, 1 45 05 AM
I know this may seem like I’m going off on a tangent but (for once) I’m not. I got to thinking that, while it was acceptable for us girls to kiss and dance with one another, I did not see a single male couple dance and/or kiss all night. Granted, I could go to any gay club on Oxford St and see plenty of this but, at this standard ‘all sexualities welcome’ grindfest, there was no homosexuality in sight and Sydney has one of the highest gay populations in the world. You can’t tell me there was not a single gay couple in the room. To be fair, I wasn’t sober so I could have missed it but, still, I don’t think it would have gone down as well as girl on girl action.

On a separate note, this type of music attracts a high number of Caribbean people and this is not a part of the world typically known for its gay friendly attitude. Think Buju Banton’s song “Boom bye bye in a batty boy head” (which basically incites people to shoot gay men). I grew up in Jamaica so I’m fully aware of how homophobic a place it can be (and still is).

So while Australia may be leagues and leagues ahead of somewhere like Jamaica, I can still see a divide in how bisexuals of different genders are treated. Hell, when you see a same sex couple making out, you most likely don’t know if either of them are bi unless you know them personally. Off the top of my head, I have only met two guys that’ve been comfortable admitting their bisexuality in public. And just based on purely numbers, I must know more male bisexuals. Or even just people who’re willing to admit they’re curious.

Is it that homosexual desires are seen as somehow more final, more committed than lesbian desires? It’s easy for a girl to want to kiss a chick or lick her breasts and pussy but for a guy to want to suck a dick or fuck another guy’s ass… well, he must be gay. Is a woman’s sexuality considered more fluid because the act is less threatening (to men) whereas a man who’s attracted to other men is less of a man because of what’s potentially involved in gay sex?

And then there are levels of bisexuality, it would seem. I know girls who would happily kiss and make out with another girl but wouldn’t necessarily want to eat pussy or have the girl go down on them. I’m sure there are some guys that feel the same. Are you really bisexual in that case or just curious?

I suppose everyone would have their opinion on the matter and, honestly, I don’t even know where I would draw my line in the sand on the matter. Bisexuality is almost a very personal and unique thing for each individual. On one level, I can see why people would question it because it doesn’t seem decisive enough but, for those of us that feel a genuine attraction to all genders, it is the most natural thing in the world. And why one type of bisexual is lusted after, objectified and glorified above all else but another somehow offensive, well that just makes no sense at all.

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21 thoughts on “Strange double standards when it comes to bisexuality

  1. Interesting observation, and I agree that female bisexuality is more socially acceptable than male bisexuality. I am bisexual and have both a male and female partner whom I adore and lust after, albeit in different ways. I am equally comfortable with either sex as partners. My ex husband claimed to be bisexual as well, but he seemed to put way more effort into his pursuit of male sexual partners than me, and my needs weren’t being met ( emotionally or physically) -basically he just wasn’t that into me, but wanted me around as a companion. I was totally okay with his desires, as long as my needs were being met as well, and when it was clear that wasn’t going to happen I chose to end the relationship. On the surface it looks like I couldn’t handle his being bisexual, and that’s the line I’m sure he feeds to others, but in reality, he was more homosexual than bisexual, which is fine, I’m sure he will find a woman who desires only his companionship and a once a month or once every other month quick fuck, but that girl ain’t me.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, there definitely needs to be balance in a situation like that, in any non-monogamous/open relationship really. You can’t be off chasing other people and have your partner feeling neglected. Recipe for disaster, no matter what your sexuality. Seems like things have worked out well for you though. 😉😉

      I would love it if my partner were bisexual; it’s such a turn on. But alas, it is not to be. 😭

      Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s a lovely way of putting it. At the end of the day, bisexuality is just a label we use to identify something so we can understand it better. It doesn’t define us as a person, it’s just a part of who we are, whether you choose to use the label or not.

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  2. As with most topics like this there’s probably not a single, simple answer. It’s probably a combination of things. However, I will say that as a boy you are pretty much bombarded with the idea that having sex with a male is bad and makes you less of a man. Terms like “gay” and “homo” are common slurs among adolescent males. By adulthood, if you’re straight, it’s almost ingrained in you that being gay is bad. I don’t get the sense that this is as true among adolescent females.

    I will say that this is changing, slowly. And this is specific to the U.S.A. I have no idea what it’s like in other countries/cultures.

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    1. It’s definitely like that in Australia. People call each other “gay”, “fag” and “homo” without really considering what it means to call someone that and how it subconsciously affects both gay and straight people to hear these words being used in a negative sense. There’s definitely not the same heavy use of the words “lesbian” or “dyke”. Sure, you hear them sometimes but gay slurs are much, much more common and almost flippant in usage now. They almost mean nothing, which is a bad sign I think.

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    2. This statement hits home for me in a lot of ways. One of the major reasons I had difficulty understanding my sexuality is because I knew I loved women, so I could not be “gay” or a “flag”. Although, I enjoyed some same-sex interactions, the negative connotations attached drove me to hide my bisexuality in so many ways.

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  3. Our western culture is still really male dominated, especially in the areas of sex and sexuality. That is unfortunate, and also unfortunate is the fact that men in our culture are insecure about their sexuality. Even recently on Facebook I saw comments on an article about men who are “gay for pay.” The lion’s share of comments, both from men and women, focused on the idea that these men MUST be gay, and that that was a bad thing. Things are improving, but being a gay male still makes you something of a second class citizen sexually, and being a bi man is like a third class. Being bi, I love it when I see comments from women who find man on man action hot because it seems like they are the rare open minded women. Why shouldn’t it go both ways?

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    1. It’s such a weird thing. I could watch any porn – gay, straight, bi – and be turned on so long as the actors were attractive and everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves. I enjoy watching all kinds of couples kiss and be affectionate. Why is one type of sexual expression privileged over another? It’s all just a variety on the same thing.

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  4. Nice post; I could write a whole blog about this double standard bit there are a lot of people who just don’t feel that two guys making out is hot and sexy… but two women are damned sexy. I don’t see this troubling thing going away any time soon.

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    1. Nope. And, even if it does, it will take a looooooooong time. I just don’t get it. Love is love. I could watch any type of porn or be turned on by seeing anyone make out so long as I found the people attractive and they were all clearly into whatever they were doing.

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  5. Let’s not forget that some guys get turned on by the idea of a chick making out with another chick. They seem to have this porn vision about it. This is why they accept female bisexuality-they actually have a little change of being part of actively, and actually being part just as observer. However, there are also guys, who deem bisexuality no matter if it’s about a woman or a man-they see the world only as black & white (gay and straight).
    Bisexuality sometimes seems to be more difficult than being gay or lesbian because there are people from the heterosexual community who see bisexuality either as a phase or simply refuse to believe in it (again-you’re either hetero or gay) but at the same time some(may) lesbians and gay men don’t accept bisexuality due to the same reasons.

    True bisexuality, don’t mean the people who make out with their own gender for attention, IS a valid sexuality. Whoever doesn’t accept it, no matter if we’re talking about a man or a woman, should definitely re-think their point of view. 🙂

    Thanks for the post 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So true. I think people who consider themselves either straight or gay find it hard to understand and therefore trust bisexuals. They think bisexuals are indecisive and thus won’t be committed to a relationship, that they’ll be with a guy one minute and then see a girl who catches their eye. These people can’t see it’s more about being attracted to people regardless of gender, rather than being into one gender one day and the other the next.

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  6. I am one of those bisexual men that are not open about it. And truthfully, I do think there is a different standard for us men, as compared to our female counterparts. For some reason, a bisexual female is not assumed to have lost a perceived femininity; whereas, a man that is bisexual loses an element of their masculinity in a lot of people’s eyes. And this is more so the case when the bisexual man enjoys being the ….ahem….receiver in his same-sex liaisons.

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    1. Bingo. You’ve hit the nail on the head.

      On a separate but somewhat related note, I actually had a friend say to another friend (both supposedly straight), “What? You’ve never had your dick sucked by a guy?”. The other guy friend was like, “Ummm… No, I haven’t.” It was awkward to say the least. There’s nothing wrong with what he did but he didn’t see even the slightest element of bisexuality or homosexuality in getting a blowjob. Even if you don’t identify as either of these, you have to admit you’ve at least DABBLED. But no, people draw all kinds of lines in the sand to fit what they want and make themselves feel comfortable when really they should be free to explore whatever they want without feeling like they’re less of a man or woman because of what they’re into. At the end of the day, we’re humans who like other humans. What does gender really have to do with it?

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  7. Lust and desire should be full filled and not labeled. If I have sexual feeling for another man and he for me, don’t you think we should act on them without the fear of labeling. Same with women 🙂
    Myself, I don’t care what others label as. Either you like me or you don’t.
    If they don’t it’s their lose!

    Liked by 2 people

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