Knowing how much I appreciate the female form, a friend of mine has taken to sharing selected items from his expertly curated, almost-porn Instagram feed. Every day or so, he’ll tag me in something he thinks I’ll appreciate. Up until now, I didn’t really use IG all that much (being more into words than pictures) but all that’s slowly changing.
It starts when I get a notification from him. I go into the app to see what fresh amazingness he’s tagged me in then I spend a bit of time clicking through that particular page or another one (or six) IG recommends. I’ll then tag him in something I’ve found. It’s such a time suck but, if you don’t have time to appreciate the female form in all its glory, you may as well be dead (my personal opinion).
Today, I woke up to a wonderfully tasteful image of a girl leaning over the top bunk of a bed. All you can see are her gloriously long legs and her pert little ass in her see-through undies. *sigghhhh* There are worse things to wake up to, that’s for sure. I then proceeded to get lost down the rabbit hole, checking out the rest of the photos on that account. It was a very classy page with a large amount of black and white photography and some cool sex/love related typography quotes and so forth (IG: porteavie, if you’re interested). Eventually, I came to this:
I had to stop. I have a serious thing for pictures of girls drinking/dribbling milk, preferably while scantily clad. Let’s be honest, it’s not subtle imagery we’re looking at here. I know exactly what the milk makes me think of and I know I could find a million ‘real’ shots of what this image implies. But somehow this is nicer. It’s less demeaning. It’s well shot. Tasteful. Hell, she’s even wearing jewellery. Clearly, this is a classy, milk-chugging bitch. I like her. I like her enthusiasm, her thirst for that sweet, quenching dairy goodness.
I went to a Sydney Sexpo maybe 12 or 13 years ago. Tera Patrick was the resident porn star and you could say I was familiar with her work, was maybe even a fan. But when she walked on stage, I saw she’d had her beautiful, naturally large breasts done. I was devastated. I am not a huge fan of fake boobs and these looked really fake. Cue outrage. Cue threats to storm out, burn the place down, etc. General melodrama. (I’m joking, of course. I know it’s her body and she can do with it as she pleases.) Anyway, a friend convinced me to stay and, boy, am I glad he did.
Tera proceeded to do a sexy little striptease around what looked like a dog bowl. You can probably tell where this is headed so I’ll cut to the chase. The dog bowl was filled with milk and the show ended with her lapping seductively from the dog bowl and dribbling a few drops down her chin (cue camera close up). For the grand finale, she poured the milk all over herself – around her mouth, down her neck, across her breasts… Yes, those same breasts I’d previously been so unimpressed with are now forever etched in my memory, milk cascading down them and dripping off the ends of her nipples then running on down her flat, brown stomach, etc. etc. etc.
Oh my god, it was so fucking erotic. I was blown away. I’d seen a LOT of strip shows but somehow that one touched me. On a spiritual level. Well, as spiritual as I get anyway. It was awesome. And ever since then, I’ve held a special fondness in my heart for women covered in milk, guzzling milk, lapping at spilt milk, etc. Wherever there’s a woman doing something with milk that looks vaguely sexual, you can be pretty sure I’m going to be into it. And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the story of why I get a lady boner for milk splattered women. 🙂