Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman, like actually in a relationship with one. J is my first boyfriend and we’ll have been together for ten years in April. Before that I had a myriad of flings with mostly guys, a few encounters with girls and couples. There were maybe two or three guys I saw for more than a year but never exclusively and never using the word ‘relationship’ or ‘boyfriend’.
When I was maybe 18 or 19, I met a girl on the internet and we went on a few dates. I’d been with a few girls before but usually as part of a threesome with a couple so this felt different, mostly because we actually spent time together and talked on the phone. You know, gotten to know each other. One day we went back to her house and she kissed me. It was a bit of an awkward kiss and somehow I freaked out. I bailed out of there pretty quickly and, although we spoke and texted afterwards, I never saw her again.
Looking back on it, I wonder if I deprived myself of something wonderful or at least a new experience? I consider myself quite worldly. I’ve experienced a lot and definitely sown more than my fair share of wild oats but somehow never had a relationship with a woman. Even in my rebellious years (pretty much every year from 16 to 23), when I fucked whoever I pleased, I somehow never ended up doing anything more than sleeping with women. There were never any emotional ties. But then, having your first boyfriend at 23 probably explains that little mystery. Emotions and commitment weren’t high on my list of priorities.
When I talk to people about being bisexual, the conversation always turns to whether I prefer women or men and, inevitably, whether I’ve been in relationships with both. Who do I most get along with? My standard line is always ‘more attracted to women, get along better with men’. But why? How do I know? I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman so how can I say for sure? I always thought I’d find it too emotional, too much talking and feeling. But now I’m thinking maybe that was a huge generalisation. Actually, I’m sure it is.
With this whole polyamory thing, I may one day have the opportunity to be with a woman for more than just sex. However, part of me feels it’s not really the same thing anymore. Surely being with a woman as a couple will be different from just a one on one relationship? Have I missed my chance to have that experience?