I found this in my phone from 26 November 10.39pm.
You know when you’ve been in a not so good place for a little while and you’ve only had sex drunk/high for maybe a month and so you decide to go out to dinner to reconnect but you end up having these intense conversations that are brutally honest and inadvertently put you both on edge then you go home and leave your partner on the couch watching tv while you cry yourself to sleep because you don’t even know why and even your heart is like, “Leave me out of this, I don’t want to get involved”? Yeah, me neither. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Carry on then.
I ummed and ahhhed about posting this because I didn’t really want to think about the bad times when things are going really well. I wrote the above 10 days before we got engaged, which just goes to show how much can change in a relationship. But, for me, it almost feels like a positive.
Just hear me out.
All relationships have ups and downs. A relationship of ten years can be expected to have its rollercoaster moments. Ours certainly has. We’re not a scream and shout kind of couple but we definitely have our disagreements. We’ve had counselling. We’ve had moments where we barely talk. There’ve been times when I’ve wondered if we’re going to make it and thought what the fuck are we still doing together. But it’s always temporary. Even in the hard times, the thought of being apart is much worse than the thought of having the discussion or making the apology that’s going to set things right.
I read an article today where a relationship counsellor listed the however many things she felt meant a couple wouldn’t last. It could easily have been bullshit (as is so much stuff on the interwebs) but one of the things was remembering and thinking positively about how you met/fell in love. Our story is very sex based and not all that romantic but I still remember it fondly because it seems like a genuine representation of us. We didn’t play games. We did what we wanted without any strings attached for however many weeks (we can’t decide whether it was one – Jared’s guess – or a few – mine) and then we realised, “Hey, we actually like each other more than just fuck buddies maybe we should go on a date and, you know, have a conversation?” And so we did. And the rest is more or less history.
And, believe it or not, it’s a story I still like to tell; I’m not ashamed of it. I actually think it’s quite a mature approach to starting a relationship. None of this three dates spent dancing around the issue or – gasp! – waiting ’til marriage. Does that even happen anymore? Sorry, I’m being judge-y, people should do whatever works for them. But that’s what worked for us and thinking of those times always put a smile on my face.
Basically, what I’m saying is that there’s still that spark. The same spark that fired up when we first got together is still around and kicking and that’s what makes it easier to weather the tough times. You know what you once had and you believe you can get back there and, more importantly, you want to get back there. I think a lot of people have these hard periods and give up, thinking it’s not going to get better. And don’t get me wrong, those times can be tough. They can last days, weeks, months if no one wants to admit fault.
But, if you love that person, eventually the desire to be back in love starts to outweigh your negative feelings. Soon enough, you can’t remember why you were mad and apologising doesn’t seem like such a huge sacrifice. You just want all to be right in your world once again. And that’s how I can see my above late night note as a positive. Because, although I can remember the awkwardness of our dinner and what we spoke about, the important thing is we made up and we’re still going. And I’m sure we’ll have more times like this when I question what the fuck we’re doing but we’ll get through them so long as we remember why we fell in love in the first place.
That’s it. I’m out. Also, WordPress is fucking up my paragraph breaks (again) so please don’t judge me for my lack of proper white space. It’s not my fault.