A lot of exciting stuff happened over the weekend but, before I get into all that, I wanted to address a question I’ve been getting a lot lately. Namely, how am I so OK with my partner sleeping with other women? This question seems especially important now the whole ‘sleeping with other people’ thing might happen a bit more separately than we’d first planned. But I’ll get into that in my next post.
Let me start by stating I’m not totally without worries. When the excitement wears off, I second guess my decisions. Of course I do, I’m a normal female. I compare myself to others. I judge myself harshly. I’m competitive by nature. Plus I’d be an idiot to be totally complacent. What we’re doing – opening our relationship – is not without consequences. If we don’t communicate, if we lie, it could all fall to pieces. And the fact we only see other women makes the situation much more precarious for me than it does for him. Or at least, I believe it does.
What makes me feel safe, if you can call it that, is the trust I have in Jared. I believe we talk about our relationship openly enough for both of us to be able to express our feelings. When he’s done things I haven’t agreed with or that have made me feel uncomfortable, I’ve raised it with him straight away. And vice versa. If we felt like there was a growing distance or a wedge in between us, it would be something we’d talk about before it got unfixable. And because we were originally looking for a girlfriend, we’d already discussed the feelings we might develop for the ‘other’ person. Not that we know how it will affect us if/when it happens but at least we’re aware of it.
Often the main concern people raise with me is, “Are you afraid he’ll leave you?” and to that my answer would be, “Yes, a tiny bit”. And I don’t know that that fear will ever totally go away. We’re programmed to believe in the whole one woman, one man thing so it’s going to take awhile for me to beat that beast into submission. But when I stop and think about it rationally, why would he leave me? He can essentially have his cake and eat it too. I’m not asking him to choose between me and other women. In fact, I like him being with other women. So unless he was getting pressured by someone else, I can’t see it happening unless there was something wrong with us, the two of us. Granted, there are no feelings involved so far so I can’t speak for how things will go when that little complication gets added.
Overall, I’d have to say I’m 99.999% comfortable with our situation. The 0.001% comes from not being able to kick my ingrained monogamous doubts plus the stupid stress that I place on myself when I worry about what other people think, e.g. when we’re more obvious about things in public. Or, more to the point, when he’s more obvious in public. Sometimes (as you’ll discover in my next post – tomorrow or whenever) I’m not feeling the vibe but I’ll give him the go ahead and then I’ll worry that people don’t know that I know or think he’s cheating on me or feel sorry for me or a million other stupid things that don’t matter because I don’t feel that way. Ugh.
However, I believe that 0.001% will eventually drop to 0% as I get more used to the changing dynamic in our relationship. As we continue to communicate and share, I’ll feel safer and less worried and stop giving a fuck about what people think. And who knows? Maybe one day he’ll lift his ‘one penis policy’ because he’ll realise that, if I can be ok with him loving other women, it’s the same process for me and another man and what does gender have to do with it, really? Stranger things will have happened. Baby steps though. 😉