Taking stock of my control issues

A curious idea has been forming in my mind the past few days. A lot has changed since we originally set out on this poly path. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and about my relationship. There have been both very wonderful and very, very tough moments. Yet even with the hard times, I know that I don’t want to go back to monogamy. It doesn’t feel right to expect one person to fulfil all of your needs for the rest of your life and to limit and control your partner’s desires as if they’re your own personal property.

Someone said something to me the other day about Jared and my situation and my response was that I don’t own him. And the more I think about it, the more I think our original rules are very much based on control and fear. Yes, they’re a step away from monogamy but not that much of a step. They’re still very much based on couple privilege and primary/secondary relationships. I think we did the best we could at that point in time but, knowing what I know now, they make me very uncomfortable (and a little ashamed).

And so it’s happened that I’ve been toying with the idea of trying to be more open. Although it frightens me. Although it fucking terrifies me, if I’m being honest. Because if I truly believe that I don’t own Jared and love is not finite and we can be with other people and still be together, then I should put my figurative money where my mouth is. Because, at the moment, our rules are that we only see girls together. That it’s a joint decision and if either of us doesn’t like it, we take stock of things but essentially the goal is to maintain us.

And everything is pretty easy to manage when we meet people via the net. It’s not until the more spontaneous happenings occur that complications arise. Case in point: the last few girls we’ve been with have been people we know that Jared has pursued during the course of the night. In these cases, the rule is that he will ask me if I’m ok with it before anything happens. If I go to bed earlier than everyone else, they can kiss or make out but no sex. That’s if we’ve never been with the new girl before. If it’s someone like Cherie, they can make out but, if they want to fuck, they come to bed with me and wake me up.

Typing this up has made me realise how controlling this is. How can I say I’m poly when I’m putting so many restrictions on my partner, even with people I trust (like Cherie)? Do I honestly think that allowing Jared to sleep with other women without me there is such a huge threat to our relationship? What’sactually freaking me out here?

  • Being the last to know he slept with someone – ok, this could easily be solved by him still telling me he liked someone (not as a permission thing, more as a courtesy) and then filling me in the next day without me needing to ask. That would also serve to turn me on hugely so it’s win/win really. This could potentially work both on a night where we’re both out but I’m not into picking up/the girl or, on a night when he’s out and I’m not, he could possibly text me and let me know why he was going to be home late, etc.
  • FOMO (fear of missing out) – I think part of the reason I say I don’t want him to do more than make out with someone is because I want to be there for the fun stuff. But if I’m too tired/drunk/whatever, is it really fair that I stop everyone else’s fun too? Maybe they could do whatever they pleased and then we could do it all over again in the morning when I’m awake. If she’s into it, of course
  • That it will become serious and I will get less time with him when we already have so little time – I think this comes down to setting expectations. Of course, if it’s a random hook up, you might not discuss this right off the bat (although he would of course tell her his relationship situation). But, if something did start getting serious, he would need to explain how much time his work takes up and discuss what she’s expecting from the relationship versus what he has to offer (with another partner at home). If she was into a more poly type situation, that would probably be easier to manage as we could share time but, if not, this would have to be something discussed on both sides with everyone having a say.

I really need to think about this some more. Part of me knows what I’m doing is too restrictive and the other part of me is absolutely terrified of opening our relationship much. On the other hand, there would have to be discussion around how Jared feels about the changes. Does he feel the rules are too restrictive? Is he willing to change things? Does this mean we see people on our own? Or do we just see people who are technically willing to see us both or are at least open to the idea of being in a V-style relationship? If that happens, do I then have the option to find someone to see? Can that person be male or female? We spoke about this over Xmas I think and, at the time, he didn’t like the idea but this may have changed.

It’s scary and exciting and honestly my heart is racing (from fear) at the thought of it. I’m not a naturally trusting person so making myself this vulnerable is pretty fucking out of character and I can already feel all of my insecurities rousing themselves from their light nap, ready to start raising almighty hell at the back of my mind. But I’m going to entertain this notion, dammit. I won’t have my stupid yet loud and obnoxious insecurities ruin things for me. Bring it, you fools! I’m not having a fucking bar of it this time.

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6 thoughts on “Taking stock of my control issues

  1. Wow! How extremely this resonates with me. When R and I first opened up our relationship, it was really restrictive. No dating, if you’re going to be playing with someone, then the other person needed to know. One night stands, you need to ask before doing anything, etc.
    Over time it morphed to being welcome to date someone else, then have fun with whoever you want, providing everyone can kick it together. It worked out well in theory, but when he found someone else, I kind of bugged out (granted… I was dealing with spiraling problem with my mental illnesses) but, it was really difficult. I was terrified that I was going to lose him. That was at the very beginning of this year. Since then though, my views have morphed even further.
    It’s been a hell of an adventure, and I’m settling myself quite contently into the idea of relationship anarchy.
    Hell yes it’s scary. Hell yes, it initially becomes more difficult the further you open the relationships, but once you shed the preconceptions and insecurities, it’s so ridiculously liberating sunshine.
    Very good luck to the both of you, and may your mind be able to follow to where your heart wants to be sooner rather than later.
    Have a beautiful day sunshine ^.^

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, that’s what I think too – more complicated but also more freedom, more benefits, less reliance on old fashioned ideas and conformity. I don’t know if my partner’s quite ready to go there yet but we’ll see how things progress.

      Liked by 1 person

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