I’m in a bad place. Maybe it’s the regular weekend binges on drugs and alcohol, maybe it’s my period (although it never usually affects me very much because I’m on the pill – TMI I know, I’m sorry) but, whatever the cause, I’m struggling. And I feel like, while the drugs, alcohol and current reproductive situation aren’t helping, the cause is something more permanent: me. This is simply what I’m like from time to time.
Generally I’m good and then I’ll have these terrible dark moments where anything and everything sends me into a tailspin. At the moment, my moods veer wildly. Small problems feel huge and insurmountable. Everything feels like a slight and then I consumed with the deepest of rages, vowing to never be friends with such-and-such again for something I very much doubt they even know they did. And I know how unreasonable I’m being. I know how deep down in the hole I am but I just can’t get out. I don’t know where to begin. There are no finger holds, no toe grips in this well I’ve fallen into, just smooth, smooth walls as far as the eye can see and no daylight. Not a single beam.
It’s been coming for a while I think. I have been gradually getting worse and worse and so, on Friday, I decided I should start seeing my therapist again. The depths into which I’ve plunged after last weekend’s shenanigans just proves its the right decision. I can’t do it alone. I can’t rationalise with my fucked up brain chemistry. I can’t tell myself not to be stupid, not to be down, not to get upset. It doesn’t work that way.
I need help from someone who knows what to do with these things because otherwise I might curl up under a blanket and just cry and cry and cry and never stop and never get up. And I can’t do that no matter how awesome it sounds right now. And I’m not the type of person to go out there and drink all the alcohol and do all the drugs on a Tuesday just to feel better or to feel numb (I save that shit for the weekend – mostly). But I will eat the fuck out of a tub of Nutella and I have a wedding in six months so we can’t be having that every night (although I ate a huge doughnut and a chocolate chip cookie for lunch today so… who the fuck am I kidding?).
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