Last night I went to bed very stressed. On top of being upset that we hadn’t stuck to our decision to have a quiet weekend, I was also worried about Jared being out without me. You see, every time we get high or drunk, we make bad decisions. Mine is usually to have shots and then black out at which point I’m on autopilot and have no idea what I’m doing and no recollection of it the next day (and, as per a few weeks ago, get so drunk I couldn’t find my way home). His is to make out/sleep with other women (the sleeping part has only happened with two girls over the course of one night – it was a very debaucherous night, many drugs were consumed).
We’re poly so, in theory, this is OK. I’ve actually offered for him to be able to see women without me there, an offer which he declined because he says he wants us to do things together. Which I believe but I think maybe he’s also not as comfortable with the flipside of me being able to see people without him there. Regardless, doing things together is the path we’re on at the moment and I’m happy with it. Still, over the course of the last few months, we’ve had a few intensive teaching moments where we’ve come to realise how important it is to discuss every tiny detail of what you are and aren’t ok with if you’re not there. Because if someone has to make an assumption about what they think you’re ok with, there’s a 50/50 chance they’re going to make the wrong decision. Which has definitely happened.
Last night, my wonderful mind was screening HD porn of Jared with known and miscellaneous women. The really fucked up part is that I’m actually super turned on by him being with other women so half of me cracked the popcorn out and the other half was in tears. You see, the problem isn’t him being with other women. The problem is we agreed we would do things together and my brain didn’t believe Jared on drugs would make the right decision, if the opportunity presented itself.
When Jared got home at 2am, we sat up and talked. I told him how scared I was for us that we couldn’t go one weekend without getting drunk or high. I said I was just as guilty because I’d still had a line even though I went home. If I’d had the option, I would’ve stayed out with him. I told him how I worried I was that he would sleep with someone. He assured me he hadn’t and apologised for giving me any reason to think he would do that. We both agreed our drug and alcohol intake needs to be curbed and we made a pact to do something about it.
You see, I honestly believe our problems are drug and alcohol related. Your inhibitions are down. Your judgement is clouded. This is not a problem we ever have when we’re clear headed and sober. Every issue that’s arisen for us, that’s affected the trust we have for one another, has come about because one of us was too drunk or too high to prevent a bad decision. And so, we’re going back to a plan we had mid-last year, which involved waters after every drink, a cap on the number of drinks per hour, no drugs and a reasonable curfew. Basically, the goal is to drink responsibly, stay hydrated and generally avoid drunkenness because, as soon as we’re drunk, we want drugs. And then once we have drugs, we’re not going home until we’ve done them all. Never fails.
And, sure, maybe that plan didn’t work out last time but things also weren’t as bad then as they are now. It scares me that I can’t remember the last weekend where we weren’t drunk or high. There was our weekend away for my birthday in March but that was literally because we didn’t have any drugs. I’m sure if we’d had access to drugs, we would’ve taken them. We still drank a lot. I’m also seeing my therapist again as of the first week of May so I’m hoping that will help.
I know this plan still means we can drink but I’m not willing to totally stop drinking. Life without any alcohol at all seems very fucking bleak. I should be able to be one of those people that can have a few drinks and not spiral into all-night-bender mode (which I can do quite regularly, just not of a weekend it seems). Responsible people like this exist and I should at least give myself the chance to try and be one. And if I really can’t do it, if I can’t find the will power, then, sure, I’ll consider a more drastic route. I actually looked up NA meetings last night and there are plenty around but I’m hoping that’s not a path I have to walk down.