To do or not to do, that is the question (crass but on point)

So, we had our date with Emma on Thursday night. The backstory on this is that we’d had a date or two with her last year sometime and I’d kissed and made out with her, both before and after we ‘became’ poly, but we’d never really taken it any further than that. I think Jared’s kissed her too but that’s about it. At one point, Jared decided he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and, after our second date, I came to the same conclusion for different reasons. Still, she socialises where we socialise and I’d consider her a friend so she never dropped out of our lives entirely.

A few weeks ago, she randomly messaged to say we’d featured in a naughty dream she’d had. We all got to talking and she said we should all catch up, which we agreed to but we never made any specific plans. A week or so later, we ran into her at a bar and were reminded about the dinner we promised. Then last weekend, Jared hung out with her after I went home and has now reconsidered his position on the matter. Long story short, we teed up dinner, which is what went down last night.

Sadly, the place we had dinner was really loud so we could barely hear each other without shouting and every other word was “What?”. After that, we did a little bar crawl to a few places where we could actually talk a bit (people following my drug/alcohol issues should rest easy, Operation: Consume ALL The Water was very much in force). At one bar, she flat out asked if we were all going to have sex at some point. Thus ensued much discussion about how we all felt.

All in all, I’m feeling a bit ambivalent about it all. I’m not desperate to fuck her but I’m not un-attracted to her either. I’d have preferred if we’d been able to play it out more casually to see where it goes rather than having to agree off the bat that “Yes, we are all going to fuck”. Putting it out there like feels like it killed any chance of things just developing naturally and spontaneously plus it also kind of puts a bit of pressure on everyone for when/if sex does happen.

Still, I can understand why she did it. I think, for her, she knows we’ve seen other girls and is probably wondering why we’ve never made a move on her. In fact, she straight up said she wasn’t sure if we were interested. Which is fair enough. I’m not sure why it never happened. Probably because we were always getting too high/drunk and/or she’d go home early. Maybe that super chemistry is just lacking and perhaps that’s one reason we shouldn’t pursue this. I do think we could see her and have it not be weird but I just don’t know about the longevity of it all. She’s still the same moderately quiet, little bit shy person, which doesn’t really integrate so well with our super-social lifestyle.

Add to this Jared’s trouble believing that her partner would be ok with us seeing her. They have an open relationship in which they’re both able to see whoever they want, whether it’s together or apart. Her partner currently has another girlfriend and sees other women casually. He’s gone out of his way to let Jared know he’s ok with us seeing her but I think, because Jared wouldn’t be ok if it was me seeing another guy, it’s hard for him to believe he’s truly ok with it.

We’re meant to see her again on Monday, nothing confirmed though, and I’m of two minds. I didn’t feel all that connected on our last date but maybe that’s just because of the noise and the constant bar hopping and socialising with other people. I was definitely attracted to her at one point so I’m not sure what’s going on now, am I second guessing myselfI or have I genuinely lost interest? Then again, I don’t want to sleep with someone just for the sake of it, even if saying no now might hurt her feelings.

Perhaps all this doubt is kind of answering my questions about whether or not we should see her.


10 thoughts on “To do or not to do, that is the question (crass but on point)

  1. Putting the intent out there doesn’t necessarily kill spontaneity; you want it to happen, you’re 95% sure it’s gonna happen… but no one knows when it’ll happen and planning exactly when that will be can work… but that’s when spontaneity can be invited to the party, that moment when one or both of you look at each other, look at her… and you know tonight’s the night.

    Between my first wife and I, we spent months letting the woman we wanted to join us in love and part of our family that, well, she was gonna get done. She knew it was coming, was waiting for it to happen – I had passed up several chances to take her… but the time wasn’t quite right and we all knew it.

    The night we “inducted” her into our family came out of the blue and with no warning… and it was magnificent and totally mind blowing. So it’s not always about picking a moment; it’s about knowing what to do when the moment is suddenly upon you…

    Liked by 1 person

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