Not an outright win but not a total loss

After Thursday night’s good behaviour, I was feeling like my drug and alcohol issues were pretty much conquered. Turns out my cockiness was a bit premature but, overall, I’m not totally displeased with myself.

The weekend just gone was a long weekend in Australia. Both Jared and me had spent Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday working/studying so by the time Sunday afternoon rolled around I was pretty much climbing the walls. I couldn’t bear to stare at my computer screen any longer plus I was seriously struggling to get my thoughts straight on one of my assignments, which was frustrating to say the least. Clearly Jared was in a similar mood because he messaged friends of ours to see what they were up to and we quickly teed up a dinner for later that night.

While waiting to be seated at dinner, we both made a pact to stick with our water consumption plans and not do any drugs that night. We kept our pact through pre-dinner cocktails and actual dinner but things started to slip when our dinner friends went home and we headed to a bar to meet up with these two girls that a friend from Miami had asked us to show around. Still, they can’t be blamed and they met us at the bar after we’d already had at least one shot. Several other shots were consumed although we still had our waters. We then went to a nightclub for a bit of a dance, which was awesome until a friend got kicked out for being too drunk so we all bailed and went back to our house.

At this point, you could say we were on the brink but still managing ok. Cue ominous background music. Back at our house, drugs became available (one of our friends stopped by his house to pick some up on the way over). I had one line of what I thought was coke but was probably a mix of MDMA and Special K or something. Either way, I didn’t like it plus I could see a bag of MDMA being crushed up so I knew what was coming next. I pulled a sudden smoke bomb and took myself off to bed. Everyone else stayed up and the night devolved into a molly-fuelled pashing orgy that included Jared, the two girls from Miami and three other friends (two girls and a guy). All this while another friend lay on the ground asleep/passed out (I teased him about this the next day because he had a crush on one of the Miami girls).

Jared and one of the girls came to bed around 6am (something we’d spoken about before I went to bed so it was all ok). The girl and I made out while Jared fucked her before we all passed out and then her and Jared had sex again in the morning. We got up and watched the new episode of Game of Thrones and then, seeing as I wasn’t feeling hungover, I went and met some friends at the pub. The girl got a lift with me and we left Jared on the couch feeling very sorry for himself. I had a few drinks and was home at a reasonable hour.

All in all, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. Yes, I did drugs but not to excess, which has always been my main concern. My depression and mood swings come from that terrible place where you’ve consumed ALL the drugs and depleted your brain chemicals so you feel all kinds of fucked for a few days until things get back to normal. I felt fine yesterday aside from maybe a little bit tired. And while I didn’t get out of bed at 6.30am today, I still feel fine and not hungover from the weekend. If I could continue in this manner, I would be happy because I feel like my consumption is more controlled and thus not as destructive.

I know poor Jared is feeling like he failed us. Which I suppose he did but what can you do? You can’t beat yourself up for something you’ve already done, just resolve to do better next time. I hate the idea of having to coop ourselves up at home because we can’t be trusted to go out. We should be able to go out and be responsible and I think we’ll get there eventually as a team. Just not this past weekend.

So, we have next weekend to redeem ourselves. Oh god, I’ve just realised we have three birthday parties to attend. Sweet Jesus.

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