At least I’m doing something

I have good news and bad news. Good news: I had a session with my therapist on Thursday. Bad news: I went on a wild coke binge on Tuesday night (after going to a Danny Brown concert). Let me elaborate.

After my tumultuous weekend, I thought I would have a little more self restraint but no. That wasn’t so. Before the concert, we met up with some friends who were already very high on MDMA. We managed to not do any of that (a very tough decision) and just had a few drinks beforehand and then during the concert (also water). Went back to a friend’s bar. More alcohol (and water) but then we got coke and the night devolved into a few hour D&M session in the back room until about 3.30am when I started to get feel cold and then realised – fuck! I have to be at work at 10am.

Went home. Fell asleep. Got up and went to work (very, very difficult). Was actually surprisingly productive but bailed out of work as soon as possible and fell asleep almost immediately on the couch. I had to reschedule my first pole dancing class with my sister (thankfully she was also hungover so I didn’t cop any flack). I had to cancel a dessert degustation dinner that I’d booked with a friend and had been looking forward to for ages (my friend was not hungover and didn’t appreciate me cancelling). My stomach wouldn’t have handled eight courses of sugar at all. I feel like having to go to work prevented me from feeling any of my usual horrendous mood swings simply because I haven’t had the time to wallow in my comedown. Still, just because I can function when hungover doesn’t mean it’s ok to keep trashing myself on a regular basis, especially on a school night.

On the upside, I told my therapist all this, including my black-out-couldn’t-find-my -way-home night and my general concerns about my mood swings and depression when I’m coming off drugs (coke or MDMA – same result) and just knowing that I’m doing something about it has made me feel a tiny bit better. She gave me a questionnaire to take home so I can see how much I really want to or am ready to change and I see her again on 23 May.

I don’t know how this will end…

I don’t know how much I’m willing to give up or change…

I don’t know how realistic my idea of managing my drug consumption is…

But at least I’m doing something. And that feels a whole lot better than doing nothing.

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2 thoughts on “At least I’m doing something

  1. sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom to change things – don’t wait till that time.
    also, you gotta get help when coming off drugs, it’s very fucking hard.
    finally, I love you, even if I sound like your mother.
    and…
    pole dancing? I want to do that!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’ve got that low before and I don’t want to go back there. Hopefully I’ve caught it before it gets too much worse. And thank you, it means a lot. And pole dancing – you can do it too. When you get back from India. I’d rather be in India, to be honest. 😉

      Like

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