My life on drugs

So… I have not been all that successful in my quest to be drug free. My life is not suffering overly but I know it would be – I would be – a lot better if I could exert some willpower every now and again. It’s not even so much the drugs as it is the side/after-effects – the black outs, the mood swings, the lack of motivation and depression. These are the things I hate and wish I could avoid but sadly doing drugs just doesn’t work that way for me.

I had my second session with my therapist today. She seems to think I’m not at that critical point where I want to change. I’m not ruining my life. My job isn’t suffering (much). At this moment, the only person I’m hurting is me (and maybe Jared when he worries about me) but I seem to feel that the high is worth the hurt. So far. Why can’t I find a way to do drugs without all these terrible side effects? I’m sure every person who has ever done drugs/drunk alcohol and suffered a comedown/hangover has asked the same thing? Why can’t I do it in moderation? Again, drugs don’t work like that. At least, not for me.

I’ve always been around drugs. My mother has smoked weed for as long as I’ve known her. Many people think of weed as a harmless drug and, in moderation, I’d agree. But she didn’t smoke in moderation and, right around the time I hit my teens, she had what I like to think of as a schizophrenic break (because I’m a trained psychologist ;)). During this time, which lasted a few years, she varied between being my regular, awesome mum and a crazed religious fanatic who spouted Bible verses at everyone. Also, she barely ate and withered away into a skeleton because, when you smoke weed heavily for an extended period of time, it suppresses your appetite (so long, munchies). That’s what this story is about. For the record, she’s fine now (although she still smokes occasionally).

Still, I chose to do drugs. I smoked weed with my mum. I came to Australia and did speed and pills and coke. I ate my first line of speed because I was too scared to snort it (ahh, innocence). I was so high on MDMA that I don’t remember my first line of coke (given to me to ‘straighten’ me up). In the depths of my drug addiction, I partied three to four nights a week and was scared to fall asleep because of the terrible nightmares I had. When I was awake, I could barely eat because my stomach was so shrunken from my steady powder and pill diet. I lost my job as an escort because I did too many drugs and lost too much weight (I dropped down to 35 or 36kgs). I was nearly evicted from my first apartment because I chose to party before paying my rent. I woke up to realise that the people I thought were my friends were not my friends and I was alone and about to be homeless. I was 19 at the time and that was my wake up call to get my fucking shit together. And I did.

But what does ‘having your shit together’ really mean? I have never been totally drug free (as in for more than say a month at a time) and I’ve rarely been able to do them in moderation. Why is it becoming such an issue now? Is it that my brain is finally unable to produce enough chemicals to keep the highs and lows relatively in check? Is it an age thing? A long-term-recreational-user thing (scary thought). I’m older and supposedly wiser but still I do this ultimately because it’s still fun. I’m 33 now. When will it stop being fun? What will be my wake up call this time?

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9 thoughts on “My life on drugs

  1. What a question! I agree with what you have to say. My ex (who passed away from a heroin overdose 5 years ago) would say the same thing….in so many words. When would enough be enough? What would be enough to make him not DESIRE drugs? He was literally pronounced dead on different occasions before he actually DIED. This is no lecture to you and is most definitely not a “better stop what you are doing before you die” paragraph of bullshit. I am just running my curiosity along with yours….and what DOES “having your shit together” really mean? I don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It definitely means different things to different people. For me, having my shit together would be moderate drug intake (whatever that means), home by 2am – 3am latest (on a weekend) and being able to get up and function/do social stuff the next day. To others, this would be unacceptable, out of control behaviour.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m going to be altering my body chemistry to change my mood from morning to night for the rest of my life. The first thing I do in the morning, after drinking water, is make coffee, then I have a pipe of weed before lunch, another with a can of beer at the end of the work day (I work at home). At the weekends I wake and bake, do chores, exercise and so on.

    The only drug I enjoy that scares me is alcohol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Alcohol is my gateway drug. I would never do coke without it. I’d probably still do MDMA but only very occasionally. Basically, alcohol is my rubber arm, gets me into all sorts of trouble. But damn, if it isn’t fun (until it’s not).

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      1. I like the low level buzz I can get drinking light beer over ice – easy to keep drinking for hours and yet never get to that idiot, impulsive stage where criminal intent or self-harm become clear possibilities

        Liked by 1 person

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