So… I have not been all that successful in my quest to be drug free. My life is not suffering overly but I know it would be – I would be – a lot better if I could exert some willpower every now and again. It’s not even so much the drugs as it is the side/after-effects – the black outs, the mood swings, the lack of motivation and depression. These are the things I hate and wish I could avoid but sadly doing drugs just doesn’t work that way for me.
I had my second session with my therapist today. She seems to think I’m not at that critical point where I want to change. I’m not ruining my life. My job isn’t suffering (much). At this moment, the only person I’m hurting is me (and maybe Jared when he worries about me) but I seem to feel that the high is worth the hurt. So far. Why can’t I find a way to do drugs without all these terrible side effects? I’m sure every person who has ever done drugs/drunk alcohol and suffered a comedown/hangover has asked the same thing? Why can’t I do it in moderation? Again, drugs don’t work like that. At least, not for me.
I’ve always been around drugs. My mother has smoked weed for as long as I’ve known her. Many people think of weed as a harmless drug and, in moderation, I’d agree. But she didn’t smoke in moderation and, right around the time I hit my teens, she had what I like to think of as a schizophrenic break (because I’m a trained psychologist ;)). During this time, which lasted a few years, she varied between being my regular, awesome mum and a crazed religious fanatic who spouted Bible verses at everyone. Also, she barely ate and withered away into a skeleton because, when you smoke weed heavily for an extended period of time, it suppresses your appetite (so long, munchies). That’s what this story is about. For the record, she’s fine now (although she still smokes occasionally).
Still, I chose to do drugs. I smoked weed with my mum. I came to Australia and did speed and pills and coke. I ate my first line of speed because I was too scared to snort it (ahh, innocence). I was so high on MDMA that I don’t remember my first line of coke (given to me to ‘straighten’ me up). In the depths of my drug addiction, I partied three to four nights a week and was scared to fall asleep because of the terrible nightmares I had. When I was awake, I could barely eat because my stomach was so shrunken from my steady powder and pill diet. I lost my job as an escort because I did too many drugs and lost too much weight (I dropped down to 35 or 36kgs). I was nearly evicted from my first apartment because I chose to party before paying my rent. I woke up to realise that the people I thought were my friends were not my friends and I was alone and about to be homeless. I was 19 at the time and that was my wake up call to get my fucking shit together. And I did.
But what does ‘having your shit together’ really mean? I have never been totally drug free (as in for more than say a month at a time) and I’ve rarely been able to do them in moderation. Why is it becoming such an issue now? Is it that my brain is finally unable to produce enough chemicals to keep the highs and lows relatively in check? Is it an age thing? A long-term-recreational-user thing (scary thought). I’m older and supposedly wiser but still I do this ultimately because it’s still fun. I’m 33 now. When will it stop being fun? What will be my wake up call this time?