And now we wait

Life has been plodding along at a fairly regular pace of late. It’s been nearly three weeks since I was blackout drunk or high. I did get drunk on Saturday but not so much that I don’t remember the night or was totally incapacitated the next day, which for me is an acceptable, nay, a desirable result. I would be super chuffed if I can keep this up with some semblance of regularity.

And so I find myself in quite a good place. My moods are under control (mostly). I’m getting out and socialising just enough to feel like I’m maximising my time without it becoming too much of a chore. Although, this week I haven’t planned anything until Saturday which means I have all my week nights free and at home, which is actually delightful. Usually I would have one or two dinners during the week but I’m taking a break this week as I have stuff on next week and the following weekend.

Jared is working seven days a week at the moment, which is not bothering me nearly as much as I thought it would. Actually, it’s not bothering me much at all. It did in the first few weeks but not now. The downside to him working so much is that we’ve agreed to put our extra-curricular dating on hold. We’ve both turned off our online dating profiles (although Jared got a hit on Happn last night, simply because he never goes on there and had forgotten to turn it off. She was really hot too but sadly she hadn’t seen the bit in his profile where he mentions he’s part of a couple and she wasn’t down with that kind of situation).

With him working so much, we just don’t have the time to spare. We have one date night a week and even that’s sometimes hard to find time for. So dating another woman would be impossible and we’ve both agreed that the random drug and alcohol fuelled threesomes we’ve been having are not really doing us any favours or getting us any closer to finding a girlfriend.

All the spur of the moment group sex has made me realise that I don’t want to have meaningless sex with semi-strangers. I want to get to know people and date them for a little bit before jumping into bed with them. I don’t want to sleep with any more people who are using us as guinea pigs to see if they like girls or like threesomes or purely because they’re curious to see what we’re like in bed (as I suspect a few people we’ve slept with have done). I want our relationship to develop based on them knowing that we want someone to be a part of our relationship – as an equal party – rather than just having a one night stand and ‘seeing how things go’.

Now that’s not to say I’m going to demand that every date sign a form saying she’s open to a polyamorous relationship. But I would like it to be out in the open from the get go. And I would like that person to at least have indicated they have some interest in pursuing such a thing. I’m wary of the hot young things we’ve spoken to that just want sex. As much as unicorn hunting is shit, it can be just as dehumanising when the person you’re talking to is just interested in fulfilling their long-standing fantasy of fucking a couple. I’ve been there, done that and now I want to look for something more long term.

I admit what I want may be hard to find but I’m willing to wait it out. That being said, nothing much is going to happen until Jared gets his life back so, until that happens, you’re just going to have to make do with me. 🙂

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