Today makes about one month since I last got high or blackout drunk. I’m extremely proud of myself and am feeling so much better for it. My moods are mostly under control (or at least, they’re not a product of the vicious cycle of being high and coming down over and over again). I feel like I’ve finally convinced myself that I don’t need to consume excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol in order to have fun.
Today is also the day of the staff party for Jared’s bars and, while I don’t really want to get high, I’m not totally ruling it out. My goal is to bring some sense of control back to my life, not to bans drugs and alcohol entirely.
These are my rules:
- Every weekend is unacceptable
- Once a month or every few months is ok
- Blackouts are never ok
- Drugs on a ‘school’ night are not ok.
This weekend is a long weekend so I have Monday off to pull myself together if I do decide to have a little fun. We’ll see how that goes. Jared has already said he feels like getting high so there’s that to add to the mix. It’s not that I don’t too – I definitely do – I just want to make sure I don’t go as crazy as I usually do. I want to remember the night. I don’t want big stretches of black where I have literally no idea what I did. It’s scary and unnecessary. I can still have fun without getting to this stage, as I have proved over the past four weeks.
A few days ago, I decided that I wouldn’t go to the staff party at all. Aside from the temptation to drink and do drugs, there are going to be sooo many people there. It’s not the usual one bar staff party but a combination of all three bars getting together at once. Big groups like this make me very nervous and uncomfortable, a bad combination for me when it comes to being around drugs and alcohol as I tend to do more to make myself feel less anxious. Then I remembered that my therapist said I need to put myself in these situations. If I just avoid all social activity where I might get tempted then I’m not really solving anything, just isolating myself and avoiding it. So I should go and test myself and try to stick to my plan of not writing myself off entirely. Wish me luck, I have to go call an uber now else I’ll be late.