Fuck. This. Feeling.

I have not missed this feeling. Not one bit. As you might have guessed, Sunday was large but I’m not angry at myself, well not really. Mostly because I’d given myself permission to take drugs with the proviso that I keep my wits about me (as much as possible). And I did, even though I did MDMA and cocaine but I drank lots of water and not so much alcohol so I think that’s what helped me achieve my goal of no blackouts (yay!). But the comedown – oh the comedown. It’s this that I haven’t missed.

So my sober period begins again. My brain’s a mess. My moods and emotions are all over the place. My neck hurts and I. Feel. So. Angry when anything goes even the slightest bit wrong. And I resent any and everything that’s keeping me away from (a) lying on the couch and feeling sorry for myself (b) getting my uni work done. Thank god it’s a short week and tomorrow is my last day before the weekend starts again. I have SO MUCH to do and I’m not sure if I’m super stressed because of my drug-induced chemical imbalance or simply because I actually have a shitload of stuff to do. Various credit application forms for Jared’s bars, a uni assignment to get started plus various other study related tasks and pre-committed social stuff (one I tried to bail out of but then felt guilty about when the person messaged me all excited). I’m pretty sure the stress is mostly due to my drug consumption but you can’t be 100% sure (some of it could easily be legitimate).

I’ve decided that I won’t be getting high again until I go away to Splendour in the Grass, a big music festival at the end of July. But part of me isn’t even sure I want to get high then if this is how I’ll feel after. And you know what? I’ll actually feel worse because that’ll be three days of drug taking so the comedown will be at least 3 times worse. God. Maybe I’m finally getting over drugs. All I can remember is how good I felt in the lead up to this and now I just feel terrible. And not because I took drugs (meaning I don’t feel guilty about it) but simply because this is the result of drug taking. I’d actually forgotten how terrible it can be. Maybe I just need to read this whenever I’m tempted to indulge.

Hey, remember that corner I wasn’t sure if I’d turned? Maybe I have after all. 🙂

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