When I look at my life from the outside, I feel lucky. I’m able to work part time so I can study and I have a pretty active social life. People often tell me that I look like I have so much fun and do lots of cool stuff. And it’s true, I have access to resources and experiences many people don’t. Yet, when I’m inside my life in some of my weaker moments, I often don’t feel lucky at all. I spend a lot of time feeling incredibly lonely and isolated.
Part of this is because my partner is working really hard to open two new bars. Over maybe the last 2 or 3 months, he’s been working long days and over maybe the last month or two that’s stretched to working seven days a week. I hardly see him and, when I do, he’s tired and not really here, stressing over his businesses or falling asleep on the couch because he’s exhausted. I know this is what he wants to be doing with his life – well, maybe not the hours he’s working right now – but this is him chasing his dreams. By putting in the hard work now, he will eventually achieve what he wants from his growing bar empire so I try not to be the girlfriend that makes his life harder by giving him shit when he gets home. It does put a lot of strain on our relationship although I try my best to remain upbeat about it all. But it’s hard.
In many ways, these last couple months have made me feel single but not in a good way. It’s not the fun kind of single where you’re able to go out and meet someone new, if you’re that way inclined. This is the kind of single where you feel lonely and resentful because your partner isn’t there when you want or need them to be. And you can’t be there for them either, I suppose. Where you feel disconnected because you haven’t really seen them or had their attention in any real way for a long time and you don’t want to blame them because this is their dream but you also can’t just smile away how much it’s affecting your life together.
That being said, my position isn’t as dire as some of the other ‘bar widows’ I know. I’m lucky that we can afford for me to go out and socialise so I’m not sitting at home alone all the time. I can go out and see people to take my mind off things but there are elements of this that make me feel more isolated. You see, as I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge planner. I’m on about a million social newsletters that keep me up to speed on all the fun stuff happening in Sydney and its surrounds. I’m always the one asking people if they want to do such-and-such with me. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends that will message me with ideas for things to do or just requests to catch up. Everyone else, I have to message. And it makes me feel really lonely to always be the one asking people if they want to do stuff. I spend a lot of time questioning whether I would see half of these people that I call my friends if I didn’t contact them with ideas for things to do. To be fair, I already have massive self esteem issues and really struggle with believing that people like me but the total one-sided-ness of it all doesn’t help to dispel these feelings.
I know this is a total first world problem kind of post seeing as there are people out there with MUCH bigger issues than just an absent partner or friends who don’t text them to make plans – yeah boo fucking hoo – but this is the hand I’ve been dealt and it fucking sucks sometimes and I don’t see it getting better anytime soon. And the problem is that I get myself into this terrible headspace where my brain just says “fuck it” and I don’t care about anything. I don’t care what happens to me and I don’t care about anyone or anything and I have so much stuff I need to get done – uni work and wedding stuff and hens night stuff – but I just want to collapse on the couch and never get up again. There’s a very real chance that I may achieve nothing at all today besides writing this post.
On a side note – I was sitting on the floor crying before and my dog came over to check on me. Bless him, he can be a real asshole at time but he’s always good for a sniff if you’re in tears. Or maybe he was just reminding me that I need to feed and walk him. Yeah that’s probably it. Ok, I will at least accomplish feeding and walking the dogs today – aside from that, I’m not making any promises.