I’m going to admit to something pretty ridiculous now, something that makes absolutely zero fucking sense when you consider that I call myself polyamorous. Are you ready for it? Here it goes:
I’m scared that if my really good friends meet my other really good friends, they’ll all become friends and won’t be my friends anymore.
How fucked up is this?
I’m fine sharing my boyfriend (who is now my husband) with other women (and men, if he was into it – damn him and his straightness!) with no (ok, very little real fear) that I’ll lose him but my friends… nope, they can’t possibly like me and all those other people as well. They only have so much capacity for friendship and, despite knowing and loving me for however many years, they’re going to drop me because these new people have come along and are so much more fun. Or they’re all going to become better friends. Or they’re going to do stuff without me and I’ll feel left out.
I’m not jealous at all when my husband flirts with and fucks other women but I’m insanely jealous and insecure when one of my best friends hits it off with my other friends. My wedding was an actual nightmare for this. While I was super happy everyone got along and loved one another and exclaimed about how awesome our friends were, a tiny, mean part of me was busy ruining everything by telling me that my friends wouldn’t like me as much after this. I feel horrible and stupid and so unbelievably, unhealthily insecure. I have such weird issues with friendship despite having many super close, long term friends whose friendship I have absolutely no reason to doubt.
This is definitely something I’m going to raise with my therapist, although sadly I’m not seeing her until the first week of December (might have to move that forward). It’s had me in a kind of mild panic/worried state for the past two weeks and shows no signs of abating, especially considering some of them went out last night while we were on our mini-moon. Part of me was filled with FOMO and desperate to return so that I wasn’t left out but we had “company” (more on that later) so it wasn’t really a viable option. I was at least somewhat appeased by the fact that they all messaged us and asked us to come back and party with them so at least I didn’t feel excluded, even if I couldn’t join in.
So yeah, we all have our shit to deal with, right? It’s just that some of us have real problems and some of us make up stupid shit like this to stress ourselves out with. You can guess which category I fall into (*whispers* the second one).