Bad dates and updates

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Not quite the right dynamic but you get the picture. Image credit: Evan Marc Katz

We had a few dates with a girl recently. I couldn’t really figure out if I was into her, which in hindsight should have been a clear indication that I wasn’t. Anyway, she was older than both of us, which isn’t a problem at all, but for some reason she felt a lot younger in the sense that she seemed a bit immature and kind of annoying, like a teenager might be. Maybe it was her constant chatter or maybe it was the way she seemed compelled to prove she was different and interesting. I expressed my concerns to Jared just before our third date but he said to not overthink things and to give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought – ok, Nat, you’re tough on people. Give her go.

Third date rolls around and things take a turn for the worst. She only eats vegetables and cottage cheese, which in and of itself is fine, yet she chose a restaurant that didn’t really cater to her diet. I ordered for us and told her to pick some extra stuff if she wanted. She didn’t. But then she said she wasn’t hungry anyway and just wanted to drink. Jared and me are huge foodies. We eat out a lot and love trying new restaurants and, when she announced her food preferences on our second date, I immediately had concerns. I felt like she would eventually feel left out of that part of our lives. Even if she was always happy to just drink, it’s not quite the same as all going out to dinner and enjoying a fabulous meal together.

Part way through the date she demands that we tell her how hot she looks. We oblige. I’m happy to give compliments even if they’ve specifically asked for. She then demands that we pay excessive amounts of attention to her, i.e. she didn’t really like it when we spoke to each other, even as part of the group conversation. I think she must have noticed that things weren’t going well because her chattiness amped up and she then started lightly scraping her nails across my legs. Now, I really don’t like being touched by people I don’t know that well. I’m sure if I was more into her, it would have been fine but I wasn’t so it just made me really uncomfortable.

When we left the restaurant and headed to a nearby bar for a drink, I sat on the seat opposite and left Jared to sit next to her in the hopes that I would be our of reach. I wasn’t and I probably should have said something but I didn’t want to be mean. I’d already pretty much decided this was never going to happen so my goal was just to get out of there without hurting anyone’s feelings. After we’d finished our drinks, we left the bar. I think she thought we were all going back to our place or maybe getting more drinks but, thankfully, Jared swooped in with something about us all “taking it slow” and I guess she got the picture because we haven’t heard from her since (this was Saturday night). This was probably one of the worst dates we’ve been on, which, if I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t really that bad. I mean she wasn’t batshit crazy, she just wasn’t the right fit for us.

As we headed home in the taxi, Jared was very quiet and I was worried that he was upset we weren’t going to sleep with her (he assured me he wasn’t but I think he might have been maybe a tiny bit annoyed). When we’d spoken about the date earlier, he’d been of the mind that we sleep with her anyway because how are we going to know if someone’s a fit without doing so? My thoughts were that if we know she’s not a right fit or aren’t sure that we click, we shouldn’t sleep with her because then it will complicate things. The next morning, Jared told me that she was quite needy and we were right not to sleep with her. He agreed that trying to deal with the fallout afterwards wasn’t worth the brief pleasure of sleeping with someone new. I’m glad he came around to my point of view although I still have my doubts as to whether our styles of dating are totally compatible.

By the way, we did talk about my thoughts on us seeing people separately (a post or two ago) and – well, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I generally consider him a very confident person but, as our conversation progressed, I saw him spiral into a mess of insecurities. It was really quite terrifying and had me fearing for our relationship. Of course, what I’m proposing scares me too but I suppose I have a bit more faith in our relationship. We’re already doing things that challenge my trust and faith in ‘us’ whereas he’s not threatened by women (something I feel means he hasn’t really thought the whole thing through) so nothing we’ve done so far has really put that much strain on our relationship from his perspective. Anyway, he wants to talk to a counsellor about his insecurities because he sees how irrational and somewhat sexist they are so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t imagine it will happen anytime soon because it’s not something he really wants to happen (which is fair enough, it’s me that wants to change things) so it will be a very slow process.

On the upside, we’ve taken an interest in this little French chick that one of my friend’s occasionally sees. I suppose he’s kind of polyamorous too – he never sees anyone exclusively (or hasn’t for ages) and doesn’t get attached to anyone or demand they only see him while also being very respectful and not leading people on into thinking he’s offering him more than he is. So we’ll see how we go with seducing her. She’s coming on this boat cruise with us on the 11th so we’ll try our luck then.

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14 thoughts on “Bad dates and updates

  1. I guess you’ve already considered dating separately and rejected that for now, however, I would say that you have to try extra hard on dates not to come across like this 2 headed person and think of it as three individuals out on a date together. It seems very 2+1 at the moment and that can be horrible for an outsider. Even if everyone is only looking for something casual.

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    1. Yes, we have but we haven’t rejected it out of hand. My partner is still considering it as it has raised a lot of insecurities for him. I think we make an effort for it to not be 2:1 but there is only so far that can go. We are still a couple and that this person isn’t a part of (yet) so, regardless of how open/non- exclusive we are, you can never entirely erase that.

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      1. It depends on how important you think it is. Even doing little things like you and partner travelling to the date alone can get you in the mindset of thinking as 1+1+1 rather than 2+1. It’s absolutely true that people have to earn a spot in your life, but they aren’t trying to earn a spot as part of a couple. A couple is 2 people. You’re trying to go for some sort of triad which is 3 people. You have to adjust to that or it just becomes another unicorn hunting couple with no regard for anyone else.

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  2. Sounds like you made the right choice that evening! Do you ever date couples? Might be an easier transition for your partner. We have always found it easier when we both have someone to focus on separately rather than both of us vs 1other. Although I suppose it depends if you are aiming for a casual swinging evening or a more poly lifestyle.

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    1. I would be open to it but, at this stage, he’s not. I agree that four would be easier than three – simply because it’s an even number of people so it’s less likely for someone to feel left out. We’ll see how it all pans out.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Maybe it was her constant chatter or maybe it was the way she seemed compelled to prove she was different and interesting.”

    This describes exactly one of our bad dates. I don’t understand people like that. Glad you guys escaped! And made sure no one got hurt in the process. We know from experience that balancing act isn’t easy!

    Liked by 1 person

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