Boring

I’m struggling with the feeling of being boring. I don’t consider myself a boring person (or, at least, I didn’t until recently) but lately I’ve been wondering.

In my life, I have relationships where my role is primarily that of “listener”. In some roles, this is really my sole purpose. I exist as a sounding board (and occasional voicer of opinions/advice/thoughts) to other people’s lives. Generally, I don’t mind. I like to listen. I like to hear about other people. I like to ask questions. I like to know more. I like to understand my friends. But I worry that now it’s starting to skew a bit unhealthily towards me not really being present at all in these conversations. Aside from, as I said, as a sounding board. Which, in and of itself, is not a terrible thing. I’m happy to be that person to my friends. It’s what friendship is all about, right?

But it’s a two way street, right? What makes someone interesting and how does someone show their interest in you, as a person? To me, it’s asking  questions. How was your day? What happened with X? How did Y go? The fact that I know and remember things about your life and ask about them, to me, signifies that I care and that you are of interest to me. Yet, I have to concede that not everyone is like me. Other people show their interest in other ways.

And yet, if you have multiple conversations with someone and they don’t ask you anything about yourself – not one single thing – and yet are happy to talk about themselves the whole conversation, is that healthy? What if they ask a cursory question or two before bouncing back to themselves as quickly as is polite, what about that? Or is healthy really what you allow? What you’re comfortable with? Are some people just not that interested in other people? Is that not how other people express their friendship?

I don’t know. I just know that it makes me feel invisible sometimes. It makes me feel boring. I already struggle with feeling that way in big groups because I’m soft spoken and struggle to be heard, which is why I spend so much time cultivating my one on one relationships. Because it’s just the two of us and I can really get to know someone and, in theory, the conversation should be more equally shared and yet… not always. Maybe I’m just a pushover. Maybe I’m just a natural listener. Maybe I’m just too private a person that I don’t want to talk that much. Or maybe I am boring. Who knows?

Anyway, I have a bunch of stuff to update you on. It’s been a fucked up couple of months although I do have a half-started erotic story to post, just haven’t really been inspired to finish it (although I do know how it ends). Just need to get in the mood to type it up. You’ll be the first to know when I do (mostly because it’ll get posted here – hehe, see what I did there ;)).

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8 thoughts on “Boring

    1. Ha. I like the analogy, thank you. I don’t feel very interesting at the moment but I suspect it’s got a little bit to do with other people’s behaviour towards me and my own low self esteem at the moment.

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      1. It is interesting when you say that Likkleone and I do not mean that in a demeaning way. You know I sometimes read news about celebrities, people who seem to have it all and find out that they also are going through depression and suicidal thoughts, I cannot seem to understand what could possibly be wrong for someone who is rich and famous and can have anyone to love them. While, I am not trying to placate you by calling you a celebrity or something like that, I have from time to time thought that you had a cool life. Sort of like a person who seemed to know her own and take care of things around her. So when I read your post this time, I was kind of taken aback at the vulnerability.

        I will also concede that I have not read all your posts, maybe you have expressed the deeper/troubled side of yours in the past, but I remember reading only the ‘happy’ posts.

        Anyway, that was a long wielded and probably unwarranted response to your message, sorry about the rant 🙂

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      2. No, I appreciate the honesty. In all fairness, I do have a very cool life and I am very lucky in many respects but, as is the case with most people I guess, we all have our demons and our things we don’t like about our current life.
        Personally, I feel like I’ve had a difficult year in many respects and certain things that have happened have made me feel less certain about myself and my self worth. I will write about them eventually and then hopefully it will make some sense. But, in all honesty, most of my problems would definitely fall in the “first world” category. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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