I’m struggling with the feeling of being boring. I don’t consider myself a boring person (or, at least, I didn’t until recently) but lately I’ve been wondering.
In my life, I have relationships where my role is primarily that of “listener”. In some roles, this is really my sole purpose. I exist as a sounding board (and occasional voicer of opinions/advice/thoughts) to other people’s lives. Generally, I don’t mind. I like to listen. I like to hear about other people. I like to ask questions. I like to know more. I like to understand my friends. But I worry that now it’s starting to skew a bit unhealthily towards me not really being present at all in these conversations. Aside from, as I said, as a sounding board. Which, in and of itself, is not a terrible thing. I’m happy to be that person to my friends. It’s what friendship is all about, right?
But it’s a two way street, right? What makes someone interesting and how does someone show their interest in you, as a person? To me, it’s asking questions. How was your day? What happened with X? How did Y go? The fact that I know and remember things about your life and ask about them, to me, signifies that I care and that you are of interest to me. Yet, I have to concede that not everyone is like me. Other people show their interest in other ways.
And yet, if you have multiple conversations with someone and they don’t ask you anything about yourself – not one single thing – and yet are happy to talk about themselves the whole conversation, is that healthy? What if they ask a cursory question or two before bouncing back to themselves as quickly as is polite, what about that? Or is healthy really what you allow? What you’re comfortable with? Are some people just not that interested in other people? Is that not how other people express their friendship?
I don’t know. I just know that it makes me feel invisible sometimes. It makes me feel boring. I already struggle with feeling that way in big groups because I’m soft spoken and struggle to be heard, which is why I spend so much time cultivating my one on one relationships. Because it’s just the two of us and I can really get to know someone and, in theory, the conversation should be more equally shared and yet… not always. Maybe I’m just a pushover. Maybe I’m just a natural listener. Maybe I’m just too private a person that I don’t want to talk that much. Or maybe I am boring. Who knows?
Anyway, I have a bunch of stuff to update you on. It’s been a fucked up couple of months although I do have a half-started erotic story to post, just haven’t really been inspired to finish it (although I do know how it ends). Just need to get in the mood to type it up. You’ll be the first to know when I do (mostly because it’ll get posted here – hehe, see what I did there ;)).