So this is how it ends

I suppose it’s time to write about it.
We broke up with Cherish a bit over a month ago. On Saturday 2 June, to be exact. It was hard. It was definitely harder on Cherish and Jared than it was on me but it was the right thing to do for a number of reasons:
  1. She has/had anxiety issues and depression and the complicatedness of what we were doing was making her unstable. We were actually worried for her mental health and her personal wellbeing. I’d been telling her for weeks to see someone (a therapist) and I think she finally was able to have her first appointment on Tuesday
  2. My personal reason, aside from her mental health, was that she wasn’t the right fit for me. I was never going to get the mental connection I needed from her, whether it was the age difference or just a mis-match in personalities, I just couldn’t gel with her. I felt like her mum or her big sister, not her girlfriend. I had hoped that the connection would come with time but now I don’t really believe that. I think you either click or you don’t and, while we did in some ways, it wasn’t enough or it wasn’t the right kind of connection for me to continue the relationship
  3. Jared’s reasons – I have a rough idea what they are but I won’t speak for him aside to say that it wasn’t just my decision. We both agreed that it wasn’t working and, when we spoke to Cherish about how much the relationship was stressing her out, she agreed, as much as it hurt her to admit it.
So that happened. We told her on the Saturday night and made her stay over with us because we were worried what she might do to herself if she was alone. Jared then had family stuff to do the next morning so her and I had a bath and talked and then watched
The Handmaid’s Tale (nice light viewing, I know). She started to pack up her things and got upset again. Eventually, she had a nap. Jared had made plans for us to do dinner with some friends but she didn’t want to go so we went and, while we were gone, she went home.
We all work together so we saw her that week at work, which was tough. We already had tickets to go to a masquerade ball on the Thursday after we broke up, which we all still went to. We all got pretty wasted and Cherish ended up screaming at me on a main road for being ‘cold to her at work’, amongst other things, which was not fun. The night deteriorated from there really although we did end up on decent enough terms for her to end up back at our place (with other friends) until about 5am.
We were then all meant to go on holiday together to Hobart the following week. Cherish decided it probably wasn’t a good idea for her to come (a good decision in the end, I think). It was sad waking up without her on that first morning, realising she wasn’t going to be with us anymore.
But, if I’m honest, for me the overwhelming feeling has been of relief. I know that perhaps makes me a cold hearted bitch but, if I can’t be honest here, where can I be. I wanted a girlfriend, a partner, but I felt like I’d adopted a child (and I do not like children). I wanted to be with someone confident, someone who knew who they were and would contribute to our relationship, rather than just ‘be in it’. I felt like she was a passenger more than anything else, when what I wanted was a co-pilot. It just wasn’t right and, yes, I do feel bad for breaking it off but I honestly don’t feel like we treated her like a second class citizen or a secondary partner, it just wasn’t working because we weren’t the right fit for each other.
The whole thing lasted just over 3 months and, while there were some amazing times, there were also some very tough ones. It made me question myself so much. At times, I felt pushed so far beyond my boundaries, mainly because in many ways I felt like the outsider. I felt like her and Jared had this amazing connection and I didn’t and it upset me because I was the one that wanted that kind of relationship with another woman but wasn’t getting it. Of course, there was some jealousy. As much as I want to deny that, I can’t. There was some but mostly it was a feeling of being left out. As it turns out, Jared wasn’t having the idyllic experience I thought he was but, regardless, his was closer to a real relationship than mine was. But let’s not make it a competition, shall we?
Towards the end, the hardest thing was the sex. Jared would always come with Cherish. He would always reach for her first. He would always make an effort to make me come (or she would) but they would always finish together. I think maybe two times he came with me and that was only because she didn’t want to participate. For me, the most intimate part of sex is coming together or having Jared come in me and, for three months, I didn’t get that although I watched him have it with her. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so badly about it if the two of us (Jared and me) were having sex but we weren’t (for various reasons).
I actually cried after the first time we had sex after the break up because I’d missed that connection so much. For so long, I’d felt like I was on the outside, always a participant or an observer, but always excluded from that final, most intimate of moments. I also acknowledge that the the whole sex thing put a lot of strain on Jared because he knew how I was feeling and had this pressure on him to make us both come. I can come reasonably easily but I wanted him to come with me every now and again. Cherish could only come from anal sex so I couldn’t make her come so it was really all on him and he wasn’t happy unless we were both happy. I get it, it wasn’t easy on him either and I guess that’s another reason it all fell apart.
So now it’s over and we’re left with the aftermath. We all work together and are civil and can talk to one another. Cherish is (currently) planning on coming to a concert with us that we’d all bought tickets to before we broke up. That’s in August so a fair bit off yet. She’s taking care of herself and seems to be more mentally stable and is much happier.
To me, the real damage seems to lie with me and Jared and, whether it’s due to the break up or just us, I don’t know but we’re not the same. We barely talk. We don’t fuck. We spoke about it in Hobart, that we can acknowledge that it’s just a hard time and try not to put too much pressure on one another while we work it out. But how long does that last for? We’re both so busy with work and, with Jared maybe opening a new venue this year, I don’t see that getting any easier. How do we find ‘us’ again after everything that’s happened?
And there’s more I should tell you, I suppose. More personal things that affect only me and Jared and have nothing to do with Cherish but those are things for another post. For now, this is enough. It has to be.
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6 thoughts on “So this is how it ends

  1. Oh…and I just asked about Cherish. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, and that you didn’t really get what you needed out of the relationship. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to see the lesson you needed to learn from the relationship.
    I really do hope that things get better with you and Jared though…….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I think we both learnt a lot from our first poly relationship and things are actually much better between us. We had a big talk and things have been SOOOOOO much better (another thing to post about, we had some fun last weekend 😈😈😈)

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  2. I’m also sorry that things went south but, being honest, I’m not all that surprised about this turn of events and what you’ve graciously shared with us – thank you for that. I’ve seen breakups happen with others and a lot of the things you mentioned are the main reasons why a breakup occurred and, yes, I even saw this in my poly relationship at one point where my wife (at the time) would be sullen, feel left out, feel unloved and felt that she wasn’t having the sex with our partner that she needed. That changed when we added someone else to the family but I can tell you as the lone guy in the equation, this would keep me up at nights trying to figure out how to restore the balance we had started with.

    My wife would often complain that I spent a lot of time having sex with our partner and I pointed out to her that, for one, the woman loved having sex with me and for the other, she was the one who’d often say no when I wanted to bonk her. It took me a while to get to the bottom of this strange behavior on her part and that’s when I learned that – to be blunt – she wanted more pussy than she was getting. She was head over heels in love with our partner and the sentiment was, indeed, shared… but I also learned that when our partner wanted her, she’d often make excuses for not trashing the bed with her and at a family meeting I called, I told her that if we were having a problem, she should consider that she’s the one causing the problem and, frankly, to stop blaming everyone else for her own reluctance to engage and in the way she wanted to.

    As I said, until we added our third, things got better but I was almost constantly on edge and waiting for a kind of relapse on my wife’s part to occur; what often made things harder was that she’d get so sullen and down in the mouth that she wouldn’t talk to either of us to address her concerns and work toward a resolution without me becoming judge, jury, executioner, and the final arbitrator. Even today, I don’t pretend to understand everything that was going on in her head about this but after reading what you shared, yeah, I recognized the symptoms and I had come to understand that we had this problem not because of a sexual disconnect – it was a major communication failure.

    Relationships like this puts a lot of pressure on the participants; you not only have to live together but you also have to be like one entity in everything else and that includes accepting and being responsible for EVERYONE’S wants, needs, concerns and other stuff that can crop up. If you have concerns, if you don’t say anything about them, they cannot be resolved – ever.

    If your couldn’t entice Comfort to cum – and I know this is after the cows have left the barn – perhaps you should have just asked her what you’d have to do to make this happen. Just my opinion, you should have sat down with Jared and picked his brain about what you were seeing as well as making your concerns about things known to him. I know it’s damn near impossible not to give off an aura of favoritism and, again as the lone guy in the mix, everything I did, including sex, had to be done without any favoritism going on in my head or my actions. Tons of pressure and like you just wouldn’t believe because for those of you who have never been in this situation, you just have no idea what it’s like to have two women with similar – but different – sexual needs and trying to resolve any issues and they’re not of a mind to talk about them.

    The solution for us was to add a third woman the mix and the problem, at least for my wife, went away; she was now getting what she wanted and like she could have never really expected. Ah, but that caused our original partner to act jealous and resentful and I took her aside and told her that instead of absenting herself from things, she should jump right in and more so when they expected (and even demanded) that she get involved. It lead me to understand another important aspect to this kind of relationship: You cannot behave as if your poly relationship is the same as a traditional, monogamous one; being jealous and otherwise standoffish will only serve to trash the relationship the moment anyone starts to think that one person is getting more than the other or other situations where resentment can set in.

    Your interaction with Cherish kinda doesn’t surprise me and it’s my thought that you were expecting/wanting a level of interaction with her that you weren’t getting and led to the “I adopted a child” feeling you mentioned. I don’t know if the two of you ever sat down and really talked about what you needed from her and to work out any other issues and concerns especially where Jared was concerned. I saw that, like my wife, you became resentful and I recall a comment I made to another post you made where you said you were feeling unloved and apart from things and I pointed out that letting this get the best of you could be a problem.

    Like I told my poly partners: If you don’t tell me what’s going on with you, there’s nothing I can do or say about it. If you’re not getting sex/emotional succor that you feel you need, we need to sit down and talk to each other because this ain’t just about one of us – it’s about all of us and we all have a responsibility to make sure that everyone’s wants and needs are being taken care of to the best of our ability, both as individuals and as partners in this.

    Sigh. My heart goes out to all of you; I really hate it when something as beautiful as this can be winds up falling short but, importantly, if you and Jared decide to try this again, I hope that you’ve learned some really important stuff and what one and all have to do to make such a relationship work and flourish as well as possible. You see, living like this can make a world of sense and, in theory, it can appear to be a no-brainer but as I tell people, being a poly relationship like this is way harder than being in a monogamous relationship; there are no true dyed-in-the-wool guidelines (even though the Internet is full of them) because the members of a poly relationship, ultimately, have to find out what will work for them and do the things to make it work and just like with any relationship, once communication fails and in any aspect, there will be problems that will only get worse when the members start “divorcing” themselves from things.

    With Jared being the only guy, I can very well imagine the pressures he was facing and I don’t mean just in the bedroom. As I think I shared with you previously, ah, man, my women would just drop problems in my lap and tell me to fix it and when the issue was, originally, between the two of them, um, how exactly do I, as a man, solve or address the problem of two women who are in love with each other, have great desire for each other but kept acting like they weren’t free and clear to handle their specific relationship in the way they both wanted to? See, they weren’t just not talking to me – they weren’t talking to each other and our partner would say to me, literally, “I’m not getting enough pussy from her!” I’d say, “Well, what does she say about this?” and I’d be told, “I don’t know – I didn’t ask her.”

    You see the problem here, right? And, with apologies, I get the sense that this is what happened to you as well. Learn from this and if you two, again, give this a shot, know you know what must be done to make things work. If there’s something you wanna ask about this privately, you can find my email address on my website somewhere – write me and let’s talk – maybe I can help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, thank you for this comment and your previous one. Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.

      I definitely agree there were communication issues (and a large portion from me) but also ultimately also chemistry issues that sadly couldn’t be overcome. I definitely don’t feel like polyamory is a bad thing. When I feel strong enough, I want to open myself up to the experience again. I see this as a first attempt and a huge learning experience and hopefully it will go better next time now that I know what I do. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to see how other people in similar situations handle and overcome things. Hope you’re well!

      Liked by 1 person

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