So this is how it ends

I suppose it’s time to write about it.
We broke up with Cherish a bit over a month ago. On Saturday 2 June, to be exact. It was hard. It was definitely harder on Cherish and Jared than it was on me but it was the right thing to do for a number of reasons:
  1. She has/had anxiety issues and depression and the complicatedness of what we were doing was making her unstable. We were actually worried for her mental health and her personal wellbeing. I’d been telling her for weeks to see someone (a therapist) and I think she finally was able to have her first appointment on Tuesday
  2. My personal reason, aside from her mental health, was that she wasn’t the right fit for me. I was never going to get the mental connection I needed from her, whether it was the age difference or just a mis-match in personalities, I just couldn’t gel with her. I felt like her mum or her big sister, not her girlfriend. I had hoped that the connection would come with time but now I don’t really believe that. I think you either click or you don’t and, while we did in some ways, it wasn’t enough or it wasn’t the right kind of connection for me to continue the relationship
  3. Jared’s reasons – I have a rough idea what they are but I won’t speak for him aside to say that it wasn’t just my decision. We both agreed that it wasn’t working and, when we spoke to Cherish about how much the relationship was stressing her out, she agreed, as much as it hurt her to admit it.
So that happened. We told her on the Saturday night and made her stay over with us because we were worried what she might do to herself if she was alone. Jared then had family stuff to do the next morning so her and I had a bath and talked and then watched
The Handmaid’s Tale (nice light viewing, I know). She started to pack up her things and got upset again. Eventually, she had a nap. Jared had made plans for us to do dinner with some friends but she didn’t want to go so we went and, while we were gone, she went home.
We all work together so we saw her that week at work, which was tough. We already had tickets to go to a masquerade ball on the Thursday after we broke up, which we all still went to. We all got pretty wasted and Cherish ended up screaming at me on a main road for being ‘cold to her at work’, amongst other things, which was not fun. The night deteriorated from there really although we did end up on decent enough terms for her to end up back at our place (with other friends) until about 5am.
We were then all meant to go on holiday together to Hobart the following week. Cherish decided it probably wasn’t a good idea for her to come (a good decision in the end, I think). It was sad waking up without her on that first morning, realising she wasn’t going to be with us anymore.
But, if I’m honest, for me the overwhelming feeling has been of relief. I know that perhaps makes me a cold hearted bitch but, if I can’t be honest here, where can I be. I wanted a girlfriend, a partner, but I felt like I’d adopted a child (and I do not like children). I wanted to be with someone confident, someone who knew who they were and would contribute to our relationship, rather than just ‘be in it’. I felt like she was a passenger more than anything else, when what I wanted was a co-pilot. It just wasn’t right and, yes, I do feel bad for breaking it off but I honestly don’t feel like we treated her like a second class citizen or a secondary partner, it just wasn’t working because we weren’t the right fit for each other.
The whole thing lasted just over 3 months and, while there were some amazing times, there were also some very tough ones. It made me question myself so much. At times, I felt pushed so far beyond my boundaries, mainly because in many ways I felt like the outsider. I felt like her and Jared had this amazing connection and I didn’t and it upset me because I was the one that wanted that kind of relationship with another woman but wasn’t getting it. Of course, there was some jealousy. As much as I want to deny that, I can’t. There was some but mostly it was a feeling of being left out. As it turns out, Jared wasn’t having the idyllic experience I thought he was but, regardless, his was closer to a real relationship than mine was. But let’s not make it a competition, shall we?
Towards the end, the hardest thing was the sex. Jared would always come with Cherish. He would always reach for her first. He would always make an effort to make me come (or she would) but they would always finish together. I think maybe two times he came with me and that was only because she didn’t want to participate. For me, the most intimate part of sex is coming together or having Jared come in me and, for three months, I didn’t get that although I watched him have it with her. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so badly about it if the two of us (Jared and me) were having sex but we weren’t (for various reasons).
I actually cried after the first time we had sex after the break up because I’d missed that connection so much. For so long, I’d felt like I was on the outside, always a participant or an observer, but always excluded from that final, most intimate of moments. I also acknowledge that the the whole sex thing put a lot of strain on Jared because he knew how I was feeling and had this pressure on him to make us both come. I can come reasonably easily but I wanted him to come with me every now and again. Cherish could only come from anal sex so I couldn’t make her come so it was really all on him and he wasn’t happy unless we were both happy. I get it, it wasn’t easy on him either and I guess that’s another reason it all fell apart.
So now it’s over and we’re left with the aftermath. We all work together and are civil and can talk to one another. Cherish is (currently) planning on coming to a concert with us that we’d all bought tickets to before we broke up. That’s in August so a fair bit off yet. She’s taking care of herself and seems to be more mentally stable and is much happier.
To me, the real damage seems to lie with me and Jared and, whether it’s due to the break up or just us, I don’t know but we’re not the same. We barely talk. We don’t fuck. We spoke about it in Hobart, that we can acknowledge that it’s just a hard time and try not to put too much pressure on one another while we work it out. But how long does that last for? We’re both so busy with work and, with Jared maybe opening a new venue this year, I don’t see that getting any easier. How do we find ‘us’ again after everything that’s happened?
And there’s more I should tell you, I suppose. More personal things that affect only me and Jared and have nothing to do with Cherish but those are things for another post. For now, this is enough. It has to be.

All the emotions and all the talking!

I feel like I can finally offer you a change of pace from the last couple of posts, which I feel have been quite negative.

Jared, Cherish and I all had a really nice day yesterday, overall. We got up and went for breakfast. I drove; I just got my license last year and Jared bought me a Mini for my bday back in March so I’ve been trying to get my confidence back seeing as I hadn’t driven since I passed my test back in June. Australian driving laws don’t let me drive Jared’s car on a Provisional license because it’s too powerful. Once I get a full (read: big girl/adult) license, I can drive it but not for a few years (min. 3 years since I got my P plates). Wow, I’ve digressed so soon. Not unusual for me though, I suppose.

Anyway, neither Cherish or I slept very well. She was quite restless all night, which kept me awake so I eventually told her to get in the middle so I could cuddle her. This ended up with me lying there next to her, unable to sleep; something which would normally have made me spiral into a very dark mood. However, there was something about her being so close to me and cuddling in various positions while listening to her breathing that actually calmed me down. So I didn’t end up getting up in a shitty mood after all. Poor Cherish didn’t wake up too well though.

After we went for breakfast, we  walked out to a nearby aquarium as both Jared and Cherish love fish and both want to get a fish tank. Cherish already has one, which she’s left at her ex’s place and Jared used to have one at our previous place but gave it to his brother when we moved and didn’t have space for it. There were moments throughout the morning when my head tried to make me feel insecure or left out but I told my brain to shut the fuck up. And it did, thankfully.

After the aquarium, we (I – I was still driving!) dropped Cherish home so she could nap and Jared and I went to visit his grandma in hospital. She just had a pacemaker put in but she was in quite good spirits and we ended getting to hang out with pretty much his whole family as everyone had come to visit her around the same time. (Aside: we’d told Cherish she could come with us, I just don’t think she felt comfortable and just wanted to sleep). After spending time with them, we went into the city so Jared could pick up some new sneakers (I got a pair too) and then went and had lunch. I was still driving everywhere and hadn’t endangered our lives in any real way – yay!

When we got home, Cherish was napping so Jared and I just pottered around til she woke up. Unfortunately, she’d had some bad dreams and was feeling quite anxious and out of sorts when she did get up. I snuggled her for a bit on the couch and then we took it into the bedroom. There was some making out in both locations and eventually Jared joined us. We all made out and then Jared fucked Cherish for a little bit. He tried to fuck me but I told him to focus on Cherish (more on that in a bit) but that I would suck his cock, if he brought it up to my mouth. Which he did, quite willingly, and both Cherish and I took turns sucking his dick. I loved that I could taste Cherish on him when he first entered my mouth. Cherish loves anal and can really only come that way so eventually he started fucking her in the ass but, I think because she was anxious, she told him to stop. He went and washed himself off and then him and I fucked and came together and we all ended up bursting out laughing because of all the noise we were making (and I expect Cherish was giggling at Jared’s orgasm face).

While the sex is generally good with us, there have been some teething problems now that we’re a three. Issues of inclusion and ensuring everyone is happy and getting what they need have put quite a bit of pressure on Jared, seeing as he’s literally the only dick in the room. After finishing the book Vagina, I felt like what I needed was more intimacy during sex and, for me, that meant him coming inside me. Later that evening, I told him that I was happy to forego him fucking me every time we have sex as a three because I would prefer he only fuck me if he’s going to come with me. Does that make sense? For me, when he fucks her, fucks me, goes back to her and comes with her, it makes me feel a bit like a stop off on the way to the real thing. So I said hopefully by just being able to focus on one of us (penetration-wise), it might take some of the pressure off him. I will of course still be interacting with both of them and I get off massively on watching them fuck so it’s not like I’m checking out of the sex entirely. For me, this is the way I ensure that I feel connected to him when we do fuck.

Back to the day, Jared had made a big, slow cooked ragu, which we all sat down to eat before Cherish had to go to work. We’d noticed she’d been out of sorts all day and, just before she had to leave for work, she told us she was feeling stressed out and anxious. She wasn’t sure we were all happy and she felt left out, like she wasn’t really a part of things (she mentioned all the pictures on the walls without her in them but I think that was just a way to explain how she felt like the odd one out in our existing long term relationship). We listened to her and agreed it must be hard to find your feet in a relationship like ours that’s already so established. I told her how I’d been feeling left out myself sometimes because of their (hers and Jared’s) natural chemistry and how I sometimes felt excluded from that but that it was no fault of theirs that it made me feel insecure. We told her that what we’re doing is difficult and we’re going to have rough times so we have to believe it will work and that we want to make it work. That she has to talk to us when she feels like this so she doesn’t overthink it and stress herself out.

I think it ended well as we gently teased her that she hates getting her photo taken anyway and, every time we want to take photos with her, she fights it. She laughed and agreed that that was just an example; it was more a way to explain how she was feeling. I think our sense of humour also gets to her – it’s very dry and often involves a lot of teasing, which for us feels natural and non-offensive but it clearly doesn’t sit well with her. It was the same way with my sister until she got used to us and realised we weren’t being serious. I think it might take a bit longer with Cherish but that’s ok. We need to be sensitive to her needs and, if our teasing makes her feel bad – even if we don’t mean it to, then we should tone it down, not just tell her to toughen up.

After Cherish left for work, Jared and I also had a chat. That was when I told him about my need for him to not fuck me unless he comes with me. He said no one asks him what he wants sexually but, when I asked him what he wants, he just said he wants everyone to be happy and comfortable and that, at the moment, he kind of dreads having sex with us, which made me sad. I know we had a tough weekend last weekend when we had sex twice but he didn’t make either of us come and we (mostly me) made a comment about it. I know I shouldn’t have but oh well, I was frustrated. After finishing Vagina, I have a clearer idea of what is making me feel the way I do and we spoke about intimacy and being affectionate with one another (not just sexually but also just in our day to day lives) and the coming together issue. Hopefully, he will now feel less pressured. Not sure if it’s self-centred of me to think that by just telling him what I need, things will be all good but what else can I do? Obviously, we need to talk about it as a three as we don’t really know what Cherish is feeling sex-wise. She isn’t very comfortable talking about sex or asking for what she wants although she has definitely improved since we first started seeing her. Oh my god, there’s just so much talking!

Jared and I then had sex on our own for one of the first times since we started seeing Cherish. I think this is only the second time, the first being on our 12 year anniversary a few weeks ago. Anyway, it was nice to have him to myself and hopefully he felt less pressure seeing as it was just me and he knows me and we can be more relaxed when it’s just us. We watched some TV afterwards (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) but went to bed part way through to read our books then went to sleep.

For the first time in ages, I actually had a good solid block of unbroken sleep – all the way through to 5.30am when I woke up quite suddenly and went out to see if Cherish had come home. She’d told us she was going to the bar she used to work at to see one of her best friends as it was his last night working there. She hadn’t planned on having a big night but we’d told her to just enjoy herself and both of us suspected she would be out quite late, just knowing the group of friends she’d be with and that everyone would be in party mode. As anticipated, she wasn’t home yet but she messaged at 5.46am to say she was just leaving the bar and would sleep at her house and see us later (we’ve got plans to go to the movies). Her and I texted for awhile seeing as I was awake and she said she was going back to hers to chat with her friend so I said good night/morning and laid around in bed for a little while longer, snuggled with Jared and then got up and here I am writing this blog post at 8.12am.

So there you have it. A day in the life of a poly triad. Lots of emotion, lots of talking and occasionally a lot of fucking.

The trials and tribulations of sleeping as a three

I want to share a cold, hard and very sad fact with you: I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep that didn’t involve taking a Valium or passing out drunk. And no, it’s not because of all the wild threeway sex happening in our newly-bought king size bed. Sorry to disappoint you on that one but I believe there are a number of other factors at play here:

  1. It gets very hot with three bodies in one bed and whoever is in the middle invariably cooks the most. I actually like the middle because I’m one of those weirdos that is always cold and needs to have the doona on to feel safe (plus it feels nice to be in the middle with snuggle access to everyone whenever you want). Sadly, Cherish and Jared are like sleeping with hot, sweaty suns so me needing the doona in the middle of the bed doesn’t really work. How it usually goes down is Jared and Cherish alternate being in the middle (sharing the sheet) and I sleep on my side with the doona to myself most of the night until one of them will eventually crawl under once it starts cooling down in the early hours of the morning. My initial though is that we definitely need to get a lighter/cooler doona considering we have an extra person in the bed – I think that will help
  2. I’m a very light sleeper and I’m finding that having an extra person in the bed – an extra set of breathing, noise and movement – means I’m constantly waking up throughout the night and never really getting into that blessed deep sleep that makes you wake up feeling rested, ready to take on the day and in a generally good mood. Add to this that our new bed is much firmer than our previous one so I think it’s magnifiying every little movement everyone makes – again, keeping me awake.

Lately, I’ve been waking up throughout the night and then I find myself completely and undeniably awake at 5am, often earlier as 5am is when I usually look at the clock and think, “Fuck, here we go again.” Usually, I’ll lay in bed for a bit hoping against hope that I’ll fall back asleep but this invariably means I start thinking and stressing and working myself into a terribly black mood. So I’ll move out to the couch and try and sleep there. Sometimes I do, sometimes I end up reading. Cherish came out and snuggled with me for about an hour this morning once she noticed I was gone then went back to bed when I had to get ready for training. I was so tired in my Spanish class that I couldn’t stop yawning and I think my teacher thought I was some kind of idiot. My brain just wouldn’t compute, I was so fucking tired. Even now, I think I’ll be in bed by 8pm (or earlier) at this rate.

I honestly don’t know what to do short of moving myself to the couch permanently (it’s a pretty comfy couch, it wouldn’t really bother me that much if it meant I could actually get some sleep). I don’t want to have a take a Valium every night to get to sleep. I only like to use those as a last resort when my mind won’t let me get to sleep in the first place. I might start getting up and going for a walk as soon as I find I can’t get back to sleep. That might at least stave off the black mood that inevitably descends when I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep and knowing I’m going to fail. The problem with that is who wants to go for a fucking walk at 5am when it’s still dark (and about to start getting cold)? Fuck that shit. But I suppose it’s that or start the day in a foul mood because I couldn’t sleep and just stayed in bed working myself into a state.

On the plus side, our plan is to buy a new house this year, a three bedder so we can have a main bedroom, a spare one and the third converted to a home office. Personally, I think we’re going to be drawing up a schedule for who gets to sleep in the spare room as everyone seems to be struggling to deal with these new sleeping arrangements. Cherish is probably handling it the best, if only because she’s used to not sleeping well. She might actually be sleeping better! Lucky bitch.

Oh boy, do I have news for you

So, we have a girlfriend. Someone we saw a few years ago but the time wasn’t right then. We’ve now been seeing her for a bit over two months and, as is to be expected, the relationship has its highs and lows, its sweet spots and its complications.

I’ll start with the good stuff:

Her name is Cherish. She’s 23 and a truly beautiful person, both inside and out. We’re all in love – to differing levels, but still, there’s love of some kind between all of us. I love the energy she brings to our relationship. Sometimes when you’re in a long term relationship, things can feel flat but having someone new to take out and experience things with has been very energising for both of us. I think as time goes by and she gets more comfortable, she will bring a lot more of her own personality to the mix whereas, at the moment, she’s very much just trying to find her feet in an existing relationship. I feel like Cherish has opened Jared up to being more sexually adventurous, to exploring his dominant side more, which is something I’ve been wanting for quite awhile. I think Cherish has even awakened a bit of a dominant side in me, which I wasn’t really aware that I had. So the sexual possibilities are definitely looking pretty rosy.

The challenges:

In the past two months, she’s been at our house most nights, only occasionally going home to get new clothes, do washing, etc. so we’ve very rarely been apart. In those two months, Jared has also gone through a very stressful time at work and my dog of nearly 14 years has died, so it’s safe to say she’s joined us at a somewhat dificult time. I’ve been struggling massively with my dog’s death and haven’t really felt comfortable grieving because I feel like my sadness is ruining everyone else’s day. In addition, I’m not someone who lets people in easily so, while Jared will usually know what’s up, Cherish has just had to deal with a quiet Natalie without having any idea what’s wrong with me. She’s a very anxious person so she tends to assume it’s something she’s done so I’ve had to start making an effort to let her know if I’m feeling down and why so she doesn’t feel stressed or anxious that it’s about her.

Both Jared and I have told our family and friends about Cherish and everyone has been fine as most already knew we weren’t monogamous. However, for Cherish, her grandmother is her closest family member and is quite old school. She tried to ease into the subject by just saying she was dating a woman and, when that didn’t go well, she’s kind of let the subject lie, which I think stresses her out because she usually tells her nanna everything. In addition to this, she works with us and some of her colleagues have suggested she’s been getting special treatment at work (because she’s fucking the boss – Jared) and other ‘friends’ have made snide remarks about the ‘lush life’ she’s living, essentially insinuating she’s with us for the financial/social perks we can provide her. Aren’t people great?

But putting these external factors aside, I’ve been surprised by the tumult of feelings I’ve been experiencing. I’d always thought I was quite confident and secure in my relationship but being part of a triad has raised doubts I never knew I had. I suppose part of it stems from the fact that Cherish and Jared had chemistry from the very beginning, when we first saw her two years ago, so they’ve hit it off and bonded much quicker than her and I have. For me, I need a mental connection as well as a physical one and, while I’m physically attracted to Cherish, I find that I very keenly feel the age difference between us (she’s 23 and I’m 35) and I feel like it’s going to be a long road for me to get that connection that I truly need to be able to bond with her fully. I’m attracted to confidence and people with very strong opinions and very clear ideas of who they are and what they want and what Cherish brings out in me is actually more of a nurturing, almost motherly feeling, which is going to sound incestuous because I definitely still want to fuck her. It’s not to say it’s not possible that we will eventually have the type of connection that I crave but I definitely don’t have that instant ‘click’ her and Jared enjoy. And I don’t feel like she’s replacing me, it’s more an envy of the easy chemistry they share and a desire to have that for myself – whether it’s with her or someone else.

While I definitely enjoy seeing her and Jared enjoying each other’s company and being affectionate and bonding, it does make me feel somewhat of an outsider at times. The place I feel it most keenly is when we all have sex. Cherish is obviously new and exciting for Jared so, while I’m always included (especially by Cherish), I can sense that Jared has more desire for her and again, I often feel left out because she’s the first person he reaches for and usually comes with. I don’t think it’s an intentional thing but, for me, coming with Jared inside me is one of the most intimate parts of sex and I haven’t had that in a very long time. I raised how this made me feel with Jared and he said he understood but I feel like it all gets lost in the heat of the moment. I feel like they have sex and then usually one of them will go down on me either during or after or Jared will fuck me until I come and then go back to Cherish to finish so my orgasm is kind of alone or separate whereas theirs is together. So even though I do actually end up coming, sometimes multiple times, during each of our sexual encounters, it’s kind of flat and empty and actually makes me feel more sad and alone afterwards, which is obviously not ideal. What makes things worse is that I feel like I’m losing my sexual connection with Jared, which makes it harder for me to come with him anyway so it’s kind of a double edged sword that I’m really struggling to get my head around.

So far, all our sex has been together as a three. I think Jared and I have had sex alone maybe once or twice since we started seeing her and, to be honest, the thought of them fucking without me is truly terrifying and I’m so ashamed to admit it. In theory, it’s a huge turn on but, when I think about it actually happening, my insecurities dial up to max and I start to freak out. The other day, I was coming back from seeing my personal trainer and my heart was racing and I was literally shaking at the thought that they might be having sex without me. It took me hours to calm down afterwards. I honestly don’t think it’s a jealousy thing but more a little bit of FOMO (that they will have some amazing moment and I won’t be there) and also a huge amount of insecurity because Jared and I don’t fuck alone anymore. That we don’t have that connection or that desire to have sex without her there scares me. And I know it’s a two way street – we’re both tired a lot of the time and we’ve been through a rough patch with Oscar dying and work being stressful and we both need to make an effort to make one another feel desired when she’s not there but it’s just that much harder to muster the effort with someone you’ve been with for 12 years versus someone you’ve been with for 2 months. You’re dealing with totally different feelings and desires at these points and I hate the idea that it’s something we should have to ‘force’ – not the right word but you know what I mean. We’ve talked about trying to have weekly date nights and so forth but so far that hasn’t really happened and we just keep on travelling down this same path that seems to be taking us further away from one another. Or so it seems on days when I’m feeling particularly negative (which has been often of late, I’ve been in a pretty bleak mood since my dog died, nothing really seems good in the world).

Now, I know my list of challenges far outweighs my list of pluses but I’m definitely not saying I think this whole thing is a failure or anything close to it. The majority of the time, I feel immensely enriched by what we’re doing and I expected this path to be very hard at times. What we’re doing is so much more complicated than being monogamous. I’m just trying to work through what’s going on in my head and to be honest about how I’m feeling. I do feel insecure. I do feel sad. I do worry. Some days I’m terrified that we’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s hard to overcome that conditioning that tells us we can’t have both, that we can’t love more than one person, that we do have to choose and eventually someone will get left out or left behind. I know Jared and Cherish have their own stresses that they’re dealing with in this relationship and I know that the only thing that will fix it is honest communication. Talk talk talk til you’re blue in the face and are truly sick of the sound of your own voice. Oh boy, I can’t wait.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have more things to talk about as things develop. But that’s just the big brain dump of the moment – the things I’m trying to work through. This poly shit is hard, you guys. Fuck. Hopefully the next post will be about more of the fun stuff. 😉

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been ages

It’s apparently been five months since I’ve posted to this blog and – yep, it definitely feels like that long. A lot has happened, not gonna lie. I suppose I’ll have to work my way through it as time goes by. I keep telling myself ‘tonight’s the night I’m going to go back to writing’ and every night I just end up wrecked from work and crashed out on the couch watching TV or reading (I’m re-reading It at the moment). Energy levels have not been conducive to writing although the thought is there – not that that helps!

So, what’s happened?

In chronological order:

  • I’ve developed a thing for latex. I bought a black latex pencil skirt before we went on holiday and I loved how it felt (and looked – my ass looks fucking incredible in it, not going to lie) so much, I bought another skirt the other week (a blue pencil one with a full length zip up the back) as well as a black lace up corset. I had plans to buy a full latex outfit – matching skirt and top – to wear at a NY party we were going to throw but we’ve canned that idea so I’m reconsidering buying the outfit (turns out latex isn’t cheap – but goddamn, it looks good)
  • We had a week-long fling with a friend we met up with in Barcelona. She’s in an open marriage, which adds an interesting element, but we haven’t seen her since we got back to Sydney (she travels a lot and lives on the South Coast). I think she’s the first person I’ve see Jared really quite like and develop a connection with so that has been interesting for me (and also for him, no doubt)
  • We had a foursome and a fivesome that both included other MEN (the foursome was two girls, two guys and the fivesome had an extra girl). Anyone who has been reading (or, more to the point, anyone who actually remembers what I used to write about) knows that our ‘arrangement’ was always open to other girls but never guys, as Jared wasn’t comfortable with me being with another man and isn’t actually into guys himself.

    Well. That has changed (not the into guys bit, sadly). We’d spoken about it a lot and I think the fact that our Barcelona fling is in an open marriage with someone he knows and respects gave him a bit of a different perspective on things. I think it definitely helped that the guys were of absolutely no ‘threat’ to him but still, it happened and there have been no negative consequences from it for us.

    For me, I wasn’t particularly attracted to either guy but was more interested in having the experience. Both to see how Jared would react seeing me with another guy and also my reaction – how would I feel during and after sleeping with another man? These being the first men that I’ve slept with, besides Jared, in nearly 12 years. If I’m perfectly honest (as I like to be here), the foursome was ok. The sex with the other guy was average but the group interaction was pretty hot. The fivesome – I was not into the guy at all. I didn’t feel pressured at the time but, after the fact, I have felt quite grossed out by it. Not that anything was actually gross about it – just that I don’t find him attractive and the thought of him touching me is highly repulsive. His girlfriend is super hot though and the sex Jared had with the other girl (the third girl) was pretty intense, if a bit distracting for us other participants (the girl was quite noisy – and a really aggressive kisser – but maybe that wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I was more into what I was doing).

    All in all, I think it was good to do but, if we ever do it again, I will definitely be demanding that the guy is someone I’m into otherwise it’s not on. I just can’t get into sex with someone I’m not attracted to – whether that’s physically or mentally, and in this case, I had neither

  • I bought a new sex toy, something that’s supposed to work for the g-spot (yes, I’m still chasing that elusive g-spot orgasm). I’ve only tried it once so far and it was fun but Jared was the “driver” and I think I need to spend some time alone with it so I don’t feel rushed or under pressure. When this is going to happen, I do not know as every time I think to use it, it’s run out of charge so I have to charge it but by the time it’s charged my playtime window has passed *sigh* First world problems
  • A girl we used to see back in the day (I’d have to go searching for her code name, I can’t remember it), and also 1/4 of the foursome we had, has since started working at one of Jared’s bars, which has lead to a flurry of fantasy activity on my part (you may or may not recall my very strong cuckquean tendencies). She has a boyfriend now (yes, the other 1/4 of the foursome) but regardless my mind does tend to wander with thoughts of secret trysts in bathrooms, basements and tiny management offices while I work diligently upstairs, totally unaware of what my husband and her are up to mere metres away. As I said, the flurry of fantasy activity is well underway.

That’s it for the moment. I will do my best to get back to a regular schedule. I really want to start my erotic fiction again. As a teaser, here’s something I wrote when I first started posting erotic stories on here back in 2015 (fuck, that sounds so long ago now!) and it just so happens in ties in relatively well with my ‘flurry of fantasies’ mentioned above. I present to you:

I haven’t written anything erotic for a long time but here goes…

Bad dates and updates

Not quite the right dynamic but you get the picture. Image credit: Evan Marc Katz

We had a few dates with a girl recently. I couldn’t really figure out if I was into her, which in hindsight should have been a clear indication that I wasn’t. Anyway, she was older than both of us, which isn’t a problem at all, but for some reason she felt a lot younger in the sense that she seemed a bit immature and kind of annoying, like a teenager might be. Maybe it was her constant chatter or maybe it was the way she seemed compelled to prove she was different and interesting. I expressed my concerns to Jared just before our third date but he said to not overthink things and to give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought – ok, Nat, you’re tough on people. Give her go.

Third date rolls around and things take a turn for the worst. She only eats vegetables and cottage cheese, which in and of itself is fine, yet she chose a restaurant that didn’t really cater to her diet. I ordered for us and told her to pick some extra stuff if she wanted. She didn’t. But then she said she wasn’t hungry anyway and just wanted to drink. Jared and me are huge foodies. We eat out a lot and love trying new restaurants and, when she announced her food preferences on our second date, I immediately had concerns. I felt like she would eventually feel left out of that part of our lives. Even if she was always happy to just drink, it’s not quite the same as all going out to dinner and enjoying a fabulous meal together.

Part way through the date she demands that we tell her how hot she looks. We oblige. I’m happy to give compliments even if they’ve specifically asked for. She then demands that we pay excessive amounts of attention to her, i.e. she didn’t really like it when we spoke to each other, even as part of the group conversation. I think she must have noticed that things weren’t going well because her chattiness amped up and she then started lightly scraping her nails across my legs. Now, I really don’t like being touched by people I don’t know that well. I’m sure if I was more into her, it would have been fine but I wasn’t so it just made me really uncomfortable.

When we left the restaurant and headed to a nearby bar for a drink, I sat on the seat opposite and left Jared to sit next to her in the hopes that I would be our of reach. I wasn’t and I probably should have said something but I didn’t want to be mean. I’d already pretty much decided this was never going to happen so my goal was just to get out of there without hurting anyone’s feelings. After we’d finished our drinks, we left the bar. I think she thought we were all going back to our place or maybe getting more drinks but, thankfully, Jared swooped in with something about us all “taking it slow” and I guess she got the picture because we haven’t heard from her since (this was Saturday night). This was probably one of the worst dates we’ve been on, which, if I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t really that bad. I mean she wasn’t batshit crazy, she just wasn’t the right fit for us.

As we headed home in the taxi, Jared was very quiet and I was worried that he was upset we weren’t going to sleep with her (he assured me he wasn’t but I think he might have been maybe a tiny bit annoyed). When we’d spoken about the date earlier, he’d been of the mind that we sleep with her anyway because how are we going to know if someone’s a fit without doing so? My thoughts were that if we know she’s not a right fit or aren’t sure that we click, we shouldn’t sleep with her because then it will complicate things. The next morning, Jared told me that she was quite needy and we were right not to sleep with her. He agreed that trying to deal with the fallout afterwards wasn’t worth the brief pleasure of sleeping with someone new. I’m glad he came around to my point of view although I still have my doubts as to whether our styles of dating are totally compatible.

By the way, we did talk about my thoughts on us seeing people separately (a post or two ago) and – well, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I generally consider him a very confident person but, as our conversation progressed, I saw him spiral into a mess of insecurities. It was really quite terrifying and had me fearing for our relationship. Of course, what I’m proposing scares me too but I suppose I have a bit more faith in our relationship. We’re already doing things that challenge my trust and faith in ‘us’ whereas he’s not threatened by women (something I feel means he hasn’t really thought the whole thing through) so nothing we’ve done so far has really put that much strain on our relationship from his perspective. Anyway, he wants to talk to a counsellor about his insecurities because he sees how irrational and somewhat sexist they are so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t imagine it will happen anytime soon because it’s not something he really wants to happen (which is fair enough, it’s me that wants to change things) so it will be a very slow process.

On the upside, we’ve taken an interest in this little French chick that one of my friend’s occasionally sees. I suppose he’s kind of polyamorous too – he never sees anyone exclusively (or hasn’t for ages) and doesn’t get attached to anyone or demand they only see him while also being very respectful and not leading people on into thinking he’s offering him more than he is. So we’ll see how we go with seducing her. She’s coming on this boat cruise with us on the 11th so we’ll try our luck then.

More on the “company” promised in the last post

So in my last post I mentioned that we had some “company” during our honeymoon. That company was Marie who we’ve been off and on trying to seduce for over a year now. We’d had some success but, in the end, the kibosh was put on it all because she was the ex of one of Jared’s bartenders and she didn’t want to make it weird. However, he no longer works for Jared (and it was ages ago) so when we asked her on a date, about a week before the wedding, she accepted and we had a very lovely yet very innocent dinner. At the end of the night, we made plans to catch up when we were back from the wedding.

After the nuptials, we had a few nights booked in an Airbnb on the Northern beaches of Sydney. This place had all the essentials: pool, epic bath tub, lots of tanning space, good kitchen. We suntanned, cooked every night and drank wine, had lots of baths and read our books. It was glorious. And it only got better when Marie agreed to come up and visit us on our last day. We drank mimosas in the sun until it clouded over. Jared made us lunch and we had an impromptu bikini-clad to topless photo shoot (well, all topless for me considering I never wear a bikini top) on this weird psychedelic My Little Pony-esque papier-mache sculpture the guy had in the house. I’m not even kidding you – that is an honest to god factual description of this thing.

Then we ventured upstairs and Marie and I hopped in the bath. Marie is going through a self proclaimed “70s phase” so she was sporting the first full bush I have seen in a looooooong time. Not to say it was bad, it was just very novel. It wasn’t long before Jared climbed in (after a random burping contest between Jared and Marie for which we found no clear winner because we all got ‘distracted’) and then we all rolled into bed. I will say that she is very skilled with her tongue. She made me come in record time. And watching her and Jared together and Jared and me and all of us entwined as always is a hugely erotic experience.

I think we were all a little star struck with one another because it was such a long time in the making. We played around in bed until dinner time (Jared cooked again – what a good husband he’s turning out to be) and then had icy poles and got back into bed again and played around some more. She stayed over (probably because we were so far away from her home) but slept in a different room because she has insomnia and couldn’t take her usual medication because she’d been drinking. In the morning, Jared made us french toast and we all drove home.

We’re in the process of making plans to see her again but in the meantime we’re still chatting to a few people on Tinder, Bumble, etc.

On a separate note: I’m conscious that my sex writing has dropped off somewhat (read: a lot) and I definitely didn’t do this story justice. I’m going to do my best to get back to writing less self consciously about this, both for my fiction and non-fiction. Work in progress over here, folks! I’ll get better, I promise.