Bad dates and updates

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Not quite the right dynamic but you get the picture. Image credit: Evan Marc Katz

We had a few dates with a girl recently. I couldn’t really figure out if I was into her, which in hindsight should have been a clear indication that I wasn’t. Anyway, she was older than both of us, which isn’t a problem at all, but for some reason she felt a lot younger in the sense that she seemed a bit immature and kind of annoying, like a teenager might be. Maybe it was her constant chatter or maybe it was the way she seemed compelled to prove she was different and interesting. I expressed my concerns to Jared just before our third date but he said to not overthink things and to give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought – ok, Nat, you’re tough on people. Give her go.

Third date rolls around and things take a turn for the worst. She only eats vegetables and cottage cheese, which in and of itself is fine, yet she chose a restaurant that didn’t really cater to her diet. I ordered for us and told her to pick some extra stuff if she wanted. She didn’t. But then she said she wasn’t hungry anyway and just wanted to drink. Jared and me are huge foodies. We eat out a lot and love trying new restaurants and, when she announced her food preferences on our second date, I immediately had concerns. I felt like she would eventually feel left out of that part of our lives. Even if she was always happy to just drink, it’s not quite the same as all going out to dinner and enjoying a fabulous meal together.

Part way through the date she demands that we tell her how hot she looks. We oblige. I’m happy to give compliments even if they’ve specifically asked for. She then demands that we pay excessive amounts of attention to her, i.e. she didn’t really like it when we spoke to each other, even as part of the group conversation. I think she must have noticed that things weren’t going well because her chattiness amped up and she then started lightly scraping her nails across my legs. Now, I really don’t like being touched by people I don’t know that well. I’m sure if I was more into her, it would have been fine but I wasn’t so it just made me really uncomfortable.

When we left the restaurant and headed to a nearby bar for a drink, I sat on the seat opposite and left Jared to sit next to her in the hopes that I would be our of reach. I wasn’t and I probably should have said something but I didn’t want to be mean. I’d already pretty much decided this was never going to happen so my goal was just to get out of there without hurting anyone’s feelings. After we’d finished our drinks, we left the bar. I think she thought we were all going back to our place or maybe getting more drinks but, thankfully, Jared swooped in with something about us all “taking it slow” and I guess she got the picture because we haven’t heard from her since (this was Saturday night). This was probably one of the worst dates we’ve been on, which, if I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t really that bad. I mean she wasn’t batshit crazy, she just wasn’t the right fit for us.

As we headed home in the taxi, Jared was very quiet and I was worried that he was upset we weren’t going to sleep with her (he assured me he wasn’t but I think he might have been maybe a tiny bit annoyed). When we’d spoken about the date earlier, he’d been of the mind that we sleep with her anyway because how are we going to know if someone’s a fit without doing so? My thoughts were that if we know she’s not a right fit or aren’t sure that we click, we shouldn’t sleep with her because then it will complicate things. The next morning, Jared told me that she was quite needy and we were right not to sleep with her. He agreed that trying to deal with the fallout afterwards wasn’t worth the brief pleasure of sleeping with someone new. I’m glad he came around to my point of view although I still have my doubts as to whether our styles of dating are totally compatible.

By the way, we did talk about my thoughts on us seeing people separately (a post or two ago) and – well, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I generally consider him a very confident person but, as our conversation progressed, I saw him spiral into a mess of insecurities. It was really quite terrifying and had me fearing for our relationship. Of course, what I’m proposing scares me too but I suppose I have a bit more faith in our relationship. We’re already doing things that challenge my trust and faith in ‘us’ whereas he’s not threatened by women (something I feel means he hasn’t really thought the whole thing through) so nothing we’ve done so far has really put that much strain on our relationship from his perspective. Anyway, he wants to talk to a counsellor about his insecurities because he sees how irrational and somewhat sexist they are so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t imagine it will happen anytime soon because it’s not something he really wants to happen (which is fair enough, it’s me that wants to change things) so it will be a very slow process.

On the upside, we’ve taken an interest in this little French chick that one of my friend’s occasionally sees. I suppose he’s kind of polyamorous too – he never sees anyone exclusively (or hasn’t for ages) and doesn’t get attached to anyone or demand they only see him while also being very respectful and not leading people on into thinking he’s offering him more than he is. So we’ll see how we go with seducing her. She’s coming on this boat cruise with us on the 11th so we’ll try our luck then.

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More on the “company” promised in the last post

So in my last post I mentioned that we had some “company” during our honeymoon. That company was Marie who we’ve been off and on trying to seduce for over a year now. We’d had some success but, in the end, the kibosh was put on it all because she was the ex of one of Jared’s bartenders and she didn’t want to make it weird. However, he no longer works for Jared (and it was ages ago) so when we asked her on a date, about a week before the wedding, she accepted and we had a very lovely yet very innocent dinner. At the end of the night, we made plans to catch up when we were back from the wedding.

After the nuptials, we had a few nights booked in an Airbnb on the Northern beaches of Sydney. This place had all the essentials: pool, epic bath tub, lots of tanning space, good kitchen. We suntanned, cooked every night and drank wine, had lots of baths and read our books. It was glorious. And it only got better when Marie agreed to come up and visit us on our last day. We drank mimosas in the sun until it clouded over. Jared made us lunch and we had an impromptu bikini-clad to topless photo shoot (well, all topless for me considering I never wear a bikini top) on this weird psychedelic My Little Pony-esque papier-mache sculpture the guy had in the house. I’m not even kidding you – that is an honest to god factual description of this thing.

Then we ventured upstairs and Marie and I hopped in the bath. Marie is going through a self proclaimed “70s phase” so she was sporting the first full bush I have seen in a looooooong time. Not to say it was bad, it was just very novel. It wasn’t long before Jared climbed in (after a random burping contest between Jared and Marie for which we found no clear winner because we all got ‘distracted’) and then we all rolled into bed. I will say that she is very skilled with her tongue. She made me come in record time. And watching her and Jared together and Jared and me and all of us entwined as always is a hugely erotic experience.

I think we were all a little star struck with one another because it was such a long time in the making. We played around in bed until dinner time (Jared cooked again – what a good husband he’s turning out to be) and then had icy poles and got back into bed again and played around some more. She stayed over (probably because we were so far away from her home) but slept in a different room because she has insomnia and couldn’t take her usual medication because she’d been drinking. In the morning, Jared made us french toast and we all drove home.

We’re in the process of making plans to see her again but in the meantime we’re still chatting to a few people on Tinder, Bumble, etc.

On a separate note: I’m conscious that my sex writing has dropped off somewhat (read: a lot) and I definitely didn’t do this story justice. I’m going to do my best to get back to writing less self consciously about this, both for my fiction and non-fiction. Work in progress over here, folks! I’ll get better, I promise.

Sometimes things just seem to fall in your lap in the best possible way 

With the wedding planning taking up most of my free time, I haven’t had much opportunity to go on Tinder or any other social dating sites for that matter (although I think Jared still managed to). Yet the universe works in mysterious ways, once you stop looking, it seems likeminded people just somehow find you. 

We had a random night out a few weeks ago where a few friends came back to our house and one of the girls jumped me quite unexpectedly. We ended up having a threesome with her that involved her asking for rough sex (something Jared isn’t normally comfortable with although maybe that’s just with me 😬) and anal (which Jared was more than happy to accommodate). Jared fucking another woman’s ass – at her request – was something I found extremely hot and resulted in quite a replenishment of “wank bank” material for me and some hot sex for us while she slept and we watched TV on the couch. 

Another new female friend is newly experimenting with couples and has expressed an interest in sleeping with us, although her insistence that she needs to be drunk to go through with it makes me not so keen. If you have to get hammered to do something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Although, that being said, a drink or two to steady your nerves is totally acceptable in my book. 

The night after our wedding night, one of my good friends – who I’d tried to have a threesome with over ten years ago but we’d never been able to agree on a guy – decided she was ready and climbed into bed with me and Jared. We’d previously agreed that I should be the first person Jared fucked after our wedding day (we were too tired the night of our wedding to consummate) but, on the spur of the moment, I decided it would be hotter and naughtier if the first person he fucked as a married man was another woman – so that happened. She has the most beautiful body and is closer to Jared’s height so he was able to do a lot more with her position-wise and be a bit rougher than he normally would with me (because I’m so small). Plus I have a huge fascination with how other women sound when they’re having sex and/or cumming so it was really hot. 

To be honest, there was a lot of sex and group sex happening around the resort – one of my girlfriends had a foursome with two gay guys and one straight guy that basically just involved them all making out and exclaiming how beautiful and soft and gorgeous she was and the straight guy going down on her. Frankly, I was upset not to have been invited! Also, I would’ve been greatly disappointed if there wasn’t any group sex (aside from my own) at my wedding. Everyone would’ve gotten a lecture about how to be more adventurous – just kidding (or am I?). 

PLUS we have Marie back in the picture – her of girl pash-a-thon in the bar bathroom fame who also went to second base with Jared (or was it third? I never knew what the bases were, seeing as I was kind of always an all the way girl) but then she got weirded out because she used to see one of Jared’s bartenders. Anyway, the bartender in question no longer works for Jared plus it’s been over a year now. She made contact with us so we took her on a date a week before our wedding and she might be coming up to our mini-moon house tomorrow to sunbake and laze by the pool. We’ll see what happens there. 

All this on top of the usual random kissing and making out that happens with our friends when everyone gets together for a fun time. 

Still, the traditional part of me thinks we should spend this newly married time focusing on one another and revelling in each other’s company but does it really matter? We are who we are. We’ve been together ten and a half years and I don’t see us being with other people as us loving each other any less. So long as Jared can still make me feel special while pursuing these other women (he’s been the only one doing any pursuing of late) then I’m fine with it, seeing as I benefit from it as well (being bisexual and also liking seeing my partner with other women). 

I’m going to try and not overthink it (for once!) and let things develop naturally. As long as it all remains open, honest and respectful then it will be fine. 

One more sleep

Things are feeling stable enough for us to venture back out into the world of online dating. We’d taken a break due to Jared’s crazy work hours with his two new bars opening at the same time but things are getting back to normal now so we’ve started swiping again on Bumble, Tinder and the revamped but still essentially the same Feeld (previous 3nder). We have a date lined up for next week Saturday – a day date. Coffee in a cafe somewhere (tea for me, I don’t drink coffee – it makes me paranoid, which is not such a great state to be in when on a date).

I’m excited and nervous. We haven’t dated for months so it all feels fresh and new again. I’m not sure this girl will be the right fit (she feels a bit timid but it’s hard to tell via text message) but regardless it’ll be good to get back out there. We’ve discussed getting back in touch with some of the girls we were messaging before we went offline. Sure, some of them may not respond but we can at least try. They disappeared as much as we did so we can just explain what the deal was (no time to seriously date anyone) and see what they say. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

But this weekend, this weekend is just us in a beautiful location for three nights of pure relaxation (and sex). I have a fair bit to do – uni, house and wedding stuff – and Jared has some work to do as well but we’ll be away from it all. In our own little slice of paradise. I bought us some bubble bath bombs to use in the giant copper bathtub in our room and we’ll drink wine and eat glorious food and do whatever the fuck we please (hopefully not much). Maybe go for a bush walk. We did that last time and found this beautiful peak looking out over the beach to the horizon. So pretty. Although we didn’t take the right shoes and it’s plenty scary going for a walk in the Australian bush with just thongs on. I was constantly freaking out about spiders, snakes and bull ants. This time, this bitch is going to be prepared. Maybe I’ll take my Docs, it’ll take a determined snake to bite through them.

I’m sure I’ll find time to write and post photos as per last time. It’s going to be a good weekend.

That settles it, my brain is a cunt

So, after last week’s feelings of isolation and loneliness, Jared and I made up and his hours are getting a little better so things are ok on that front. Last Friday night, we had the opening of one of his bars and I got black out drunk/high for the first time in nearly two months (very disappointed with myself but trying not to dwell on it). Then on Wednesday we had to put one of our dog’s to sleep, which was fucking horrible. But on Tuesday… Tuesday, my brain threw a real curveball at me.

We’d had dinner at Jared’s new restaurant, an impromtu date night. With his hours looking to gradually improve, I floated the idea of us possibly starting dating again, which we both agreed was a possibility once we have more time. We got home, went to bed and all was well in the world until I woke up, sobbing, from a very vivid dream where Jared had cheated on me and/or left me for another women. I not quite certain how it ended in the dream aside from the fact that we were talking about his relationship with ‘her’ and then he literally turned and ran away from me. You know how dreams can do that vague thing where you wake up absolutely certain of something but not quite sure of the details of how you got there? Yep, that’s what happened.

Isn’t the brain a wonderful thing? We talk about seeing other people and my brain thinks, ‘hmmmm now’s my chance!’, goes off searching for the worst possible scenario and then throws it at me while I’m powerless to escape or rationalise. I woke up convinced Jared was cheating on me. CONVINCED, I tell you. When my crying woke him up, he went to get me some water and my brain whispered ‘He’s going to tell her that you’re onto him. He’s buying time to think of what to say.’ All this from a brain that’s meant to be on my side.

It took me a long time to calm down and get back to sleep simply because the dream was so fucking vivid. I had to talk myself down to the stage where I was able to refute the thoughts running round in my head, never mind being sleep ready. It was fucked. And let me just state that I don’t actually believe that he’s cheating on me (I suppose you can never be 100% sure but it’s not a real concern of mine). It’s more the way my brain just totally took my greatest fear and used it against me like in Witches of Eastwick where Jack Nicholson uses the witches greatest fears against them (I’m probably showing my age here but I’ll be damned if Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer aren’t hot as FUCK in that movie). Yep, my brain is Jack Nicholson AKA the devil. Can you believe this shit?

Fuck. This. Feeling.

I have not missed this feeling. Not one bit. As you might have guessed, Sunday was large but I’m not angry at myself, well not really. Mostly because I’d given myself permission to take drugs with the proviso that I keep my wits about me (as much as possible). And I did, even though I did MDMA and cocaine but I drank lots of water and not so much alcohol so I think that’s what helped me achieve my goal of no blackouts (yay!). But the comedown – oh the comedown. It’s this that I haven’t missed.

So my sober period begins again. My brain’s a mess. My moods and emotions are all over the place. My neck hurts and I. Feel. So. Angry when anything goes even the slightest bit wrong. And I resent any and everything that’s keeping me away from (a) lying on the couch and feeling sorry for myself (b) getting my uni work done. Thank god it’s a short week and tomorrow is my last day before the weekend starts again. I have SO MUCH to do and I’m not sure if I’m super stressed because of my drug-induced chemical imbalance or simply because I actually have a shitload of stuff to do. Various credit application forms for Jared’s bars, a uni assignment to get started plus various other study related tasks and pre-committed social stuff (one I tried to bail out of but then felt guilty about when the person messaged me all excited). I’m pretty sure the stress is mostly due to my drug consumption but you can’t be 100% sure (some of it could easily be legitimate).

I’ve decided that I won’t be getting high again until I go away to Splendour in the Grass, a big music festival at the end of July. But part of me isn’t even sure I want to get high then if this is how I’ll feel after. And you know what? I’ll actually feel worse because that’ll be three days of drug taking so the comedown will be at least 3 times worse. God. Maybe I’m finally getting over drugs. All I can remember is how good I felt in the lead up to this and now I just feel terrible. And not because I took drugs (meaning I don’t feel guilty about it) but simply because this is the result of drug taking. I’d actually forgotten how terrible it can be. Maybe I just need to read this whenever I’m tempted to indulge.

Hey, remember that corner I wasn’t sure if I’d turned? Maybe I have after all. 🙂

One month anniversary

Today makes about one month since I last got high or blackout drunk. I’m extremely proud of myself and am feeling so much better for it. My moods are mostly under control (or at least, they’re not a product of the vicious cycle of being high and coming down over and over again). I feel like I’ve finally convinced myself that I don’t need to consume excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol in order to have fun.

Today is also the day of the staff party for Jared’s bars and, while I don’t really want to get high, I’m not totally ruling it out. My goal is to bring some sense of control back to my life, not to bans drugs and alcohol entirely. 

These are my rules:

  • Every weekend is unacceptable
  • Once a month or every few months is ok
  • Blackouts are never ok
  • Drugs on a ‘school’ night are not ok.

This weekend is a long weekend so I have Monday off to pull myself together if I do decide to have a little fun. We’ll see how that goes. Jared has already said he feels like getting high so there’s that to add to the mix. It’s not that I don’t too – I definitely do – I just want to make sure I don’t go as crazy as I usually do. I want to remember the night. I don’t want big stretches of black where I have literally no idea what I did. It’s scary and unnecessary. I can still have fun without getting to this stage, as I have proved over the past four weeks.

A few days ago, I decided that I wouldn’t go to the staff party at all. Aside from the temptation to drink and do drugs, there are going to be sooo many people there. It’s not the usual one bar staff party but a combination of all three bars getting together at once. Big groups like this make me very nervous and uncomfortable, a bad combination for me when it comes to being around drugs and alcohol as I tend to do more to make myself feel less anxious. Then I remembered that my therapist said I need to put myself in these situations. If I just avoid all social activity where I might get tempted then I’m not really solving anything, just isolating myself and avoiding it. So I should go and test myself and try to stick to my plan of not writing myself off entirely. Wish me luck, I have to go call an uber now else I’ll be late.