I’ve been feeling a bit weird lately, like I’m losing my attraction to men. Not Jared, just men in general. Once upon a time, I would walk down a street or sit in a bar and find heaps of men interesting. Now, not so much. I’ve always been more physically attracted to women and more mentally attracted to men. Well, not always, probably just since my mid-late 20s. But lately, I find very few men fuckable.
It may have something to do with the lacklustre sex I had with the two guys in the four/fivesomes we had (at what point do you call it an orgy? I say five). But I think there’s more to it than that. Sex with men is so much more intrusive than it is with women and I think I resent allowing them to touch me, to be inside me and, more importantly, to be able to say they were inside me when the act itself was… well, pretty shit. I resent ceding my body’s sovereignity to anyone that turns out to be less than up to the task, less than worthy, shall we say? And how can you tell if someone’s going to be worthy without ceding your sovereignity? You can’t and so I’m not super keen on it.
Also, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the men I meet. Maybe it’s what I hear from my single friends. Maybe it’s what I see and read in the news and on social media. I know there are good men out there but how do you tell the difference? So many ‘men’ seem to be just boys really. That culture of toxic masculinity, rape culture and objectifying women seems to be seeping into everything and I hate the way I hear men talk about women. I saw a text my own husband sent to a group of his male friends about a girl we slept with and I was horrified. I pulled him up on it and, despite initially trying to say it ‘it wasn’t meant for me/girls to see’ and ‘it was just the boys’, he eventually came around to seeing my side and was embarrassed. He doesn’t consider himself ‘that type of guy’ and yet he did it to try and fit in ‘with the guys’ or to impress them.
Maybe most of what I don’t like is not wanting to be somebody’s ‘piece of meat’. I’m most definitely not a prude and I’m comfortable talking about sex but I also think certain things are private and that people should be spoken about in a respectful manner when it comes to talking about these types of intimate moments. Basically, it’s nobody else’s business. Feeling the need to tell everyone reeks of high school. In fact, I got more than enough of that shit in high school. We’ve all fucked before. Get over it.
Yes, of course women can treat other women like meat and tell everyone your business but for some reason it bothers me more with men. Maybe because they have a dick and they fuck you with it and so we’re back to that concept of body sovereignity. Not wanting to let someone in. The essential passiveness of women when it comes to hetero penetrative sex. Even if we want it and we’re the aggressors, we’re still the ones getting fucked, simply by virtue of not having a dick (unless you’re pegging them but that’s a whole ‘nother ball game ;)).
That’s not to say women are perfect. They most certainly are not (myself included). But I’m finding myself more attracted to them as time goes by. More and more interested in wanting to know what it would be like to actually be in a relationship with a woman, rather than just casually sleeping with them. I want that very badly. I don’t know if I want it as part of the thruple we’ve been trying to create or as just a one on one thing – separate from me and Jared – but I do want to experience it. As someone who considers herself pansexual, I think I’m not really fully exploring my sexuality by only ever being in a relationship with men. Or one man, more specifically, seeing as Jared is/was my first partner (not my first sexual partner, just my first committed relationship).
I’m not saying I’m not attracted to Jared anymore or that I don’t want to be with him. Being polyamorous, I think I can have both. It’s more a matter of do I want us to do it together or do I want to go off adventuring on my own? We’ve spoken about it before and it’s a very scary prospect. I don’t know if that’s what I want. To be honest, I’m pretty messed up enough with this whole crisis-of-heterosexuality-excluding-Jared thing to really be ready to start exploring woman-love at this point. But food for thought nonetheless.