I just had a rather amusing/concerning thought: I’m not a jealous girlfriend but I am a jealous friend. It’s weird. I’m totally fine with my boyfriend kissing, making out and sleeping with other women. I’ve seen it live, fantasised about it privately and heard about it when I wasn’t there and this is all totally fine. But, when it comes to my friends, the green-eyed monster is in full effect. Or tries to be, I slap that bitch down when I can.
It’s makes no sense but I worry that, if my friends have too many other friends, they won’t be my friend. Or I’ll be replaced or they won’t have time to be my friend. It’s a purely irrational fear because I know it’s not true. I know that if I’m truly friends with someone, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since our last catch up and I have many friendships based on this occasional but still awesome set up. Yet I still find myself internally guarding these people, saying in my mind, “They were my friend first.” If I believe people can romantically love more than one person at a time, i.e. be poly, then why do I worry this can’t exist in friendships?
It’s these strange little insecurities that plague me. I want people all to myself. I like small groups where I know everyone and feel visible. I get anxious in big groups with lots of people I don’t know. I feel like I disappear into the background when normally I’m a big personality. It’s not that I want everyone to look at me but more that I don’t feel like I’m heard when I do speak. I’m softly spoken and often I get drowned out when lots of people are talking.
I have one particular friend who’s extremely social. Everywhere he goes he makes new friends and people love him. He’s hilarious and he’s an extremely loyal friend. I’ve known him for about 13 years and I know, know, know that I’m one of his very good friends. Yet when he comes into the bar where I work on Fridays and everyone knows him and wants to serve him or he brings in people he’s friends with that I don’t like… it does weird things to my usually chilled out vibe.
I’m pretty sure I hide it so no one suspects anything but I know. I know how fucking crazy I’m being. And before you ask… no, there’s no sexual tension there. We’ve always been ‘just’ friends. He’s not the only one I feel this way about, it’s just the easiest example.
They say the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. Well, I’m admitting it. I have friendship issues. I’m jealous. I’m hard on people. I get over people ridiculously easily. I cut people off/out like a motherfucker and rarely look back. I have a high rate of friendship attrition but I don’t see that as 100% bad. The group of friends I do have is incredibly close and very loyal… I just have to behave less like a maniac inside my own head. Looks like this bitch is on the road to recovery.